ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND
Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LITTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF
Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. RUNNING ACROSS THIS FIELD TAKES A MAN 12 SECONDS, BULL DOES IT IN 10.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
- Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
- A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
- For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
- Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
- Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
- No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
- For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
- For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
- 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
- Great Dames for sale.
- Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
- Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
- 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
- Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
- If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
- Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
- Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
- Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
- Stock up and save. Limit: one.
- Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
- We build bodies that last a lifetime.
- Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
- This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
- For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
- Man, honest. Will take anything.
- Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
- Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
- Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
- Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
- Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
- Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
- Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
- 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
- Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
- Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
- See ladies blouses. 50% off!
- Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
- Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
- Illiterate? Write today for free help.
- Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
- Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
- Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
- Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
- Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
- And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
- We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. And these are from the radio:
- Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
- Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.
- When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
SPORTSCASTER: Here we are on the fifteenth green where Billy Casper is getting ready to putt . . . Billy, usually an excellent putter, seems to be having difficulty with his long putts. However, he has no trouble dropping his shorts. (Kermit Schafer)
Some Queens can't marry Kings so they arrange to have Concerts. (Art Linkletter)
LEGISLATOR WANTS TOUGHER DEATH PENALTY (Richard Lederer)
Mayor Daley of Chicago was being interviewed on television following the riots during the Democratic convention. The mayor stated "The police in Chicago are not here to create disorder, they are here to preserve it."
4-H girls win prizes for fat calves.. (PANews)
MANY WHO MOVE TO FLORIDA LEAVE AFTER DEATH (Richard Lederer)
Deaf college opens doors to hearing.. (PANews)
This evening at 7:00 p.m. there will be a hymn-sing in the park across from the church. Bring blanket and come prepared to sin. (Ken Foute)
WOMAN FATALLY MAULED ASSIGNED INDOOR JOB (Richard Lederer)
Best Headlines Of 1999 (USA)
- Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
- Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Miners Refuse to Work After Death
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
- Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (PANews)
- Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead