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ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND

Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LITTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF

Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. RUNNING ACROSS THIS FIELD TAKES A MAN 12 SECONDS, BULL DOES IT IN 10.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

 

SPORTSCASTER: Here we are on the fifteenth green where Billy Casper is getting ready to putt . . . Billy, usually an excellent putter, seems to be having difficulty with his long putts. However, he has no trouble dropping his shorts. (Kermit Schafer) 

Some Queens can't marry Kings so they arrange to have Concerts. (Art Linkletter)

LEGISLATOR WANTS TOUGHER DEATH PENALTY  (Richard Lederer)

Mayor Daley of Chicago was being interviewed on television following the riots during the Democratic convention. The mayor stated "The police in Chicago are not here to create disorder, they are here to preserve it."
(Kermit Schafer) 

4-H girls win prizes for fat calves.. (PANews)

MANY WHO MOVE TO FLORIDA LEAVE AFTER DEATH (Richard Lederer)

Deaf college opens doors to hearing.. (PANews)

This evening at 7:00 p.m. there will be a hymn-sing in the park across from the church. Bring blanket and come prepared to sin. (Ken Foute)

WOMAN FATALLY MAULED ASSIGNED INDOOR JOB (Richard Lederer)


Best Headlines Of 1999 (USA)

  1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
  2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
  3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
  5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
  7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
  8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
  10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
  11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
  12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
  14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
  16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
  17. War Dims Hope for Peace
  18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
  19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
  23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (PANews)
  25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

*****

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