Urban Myth ♣
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winnie caw 2002

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   1.  A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

   2.  Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or
it will digest itself.

   3.  The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

   4.  A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and
down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

   5.  A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a
mate.

   6.  A duck's quack doesn't echo.  No one knows why.

   7.  A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2".

   8.  During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen
in the distance (and Heston's wearing a watch).

   9.  On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

   10.  Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear
pants.

   11.  Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II
were made of wood.

   12.  The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side
in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.

   13.  There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple
and silver.

   14.  The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan.  There was never
a recorded Wendy before.

   15.  The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II
killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

   16.  If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will
instantly go mad and sting itself to death. 

   17.  Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so
you could see his moves.  That's the opposite of the norm.

   18.  The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the
USA."

   19.  The original name for butterfly was flutterby.

   20.  The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which
stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your
thumb.

   21.  The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player
for automobiles.  At that time, the most known player on the market was
Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

   22.  Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.

   23.  By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can not sink
into quicksand.

   24.  Celery has negative calories.  It takes more calories to eat a piece
of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

   25.  Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike
contest.

26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

   27.  Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."

   28.  An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman
to take more than three steps backwards while dancing.

   29.  The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.

   30.  The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book
most often stolen from public libraries.

   31.  Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space
because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.

   32.  Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

   33.  There will alway be at least one person who will forget that they
are reading something from a humor group when they see a list of "facts".

More facts and dilemmas...

Can you cry under water?
 
 How important does a person have to be before they are considered
 assassinated instead of just murdered?

 If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
 
 Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
 
 Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny
 for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
 
 Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
 buried in for eternity?

 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
 
 What illness did cured ham actually have?
 
 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
 be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
 
 Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake
 up like every two hours?
 
 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
 
 If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
 
 Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
 
 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
 binoculars to look at things on the ground?
 
 How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for
 Miss America?
 
 If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
 

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

 and finally...
 
 Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

*****
Schoolboy howlers

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them, we would not have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen, she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. In addition, Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution, the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin, which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and wrote a book called Candy.

25. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practised on an old spinster, which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half-German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he rote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she could not have any children.

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final event, which ended her reign.

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Don't forget...

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

and please to remember...

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap. (or Grandad's)


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tyres.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

...and great truths that adults learn from their children:-

1. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.

11. Play Dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.

Children's Books You'll NEVER See

"You Were an Accident"

"You Are Different and That's Bad"

"The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables"

"Dad's New Wife Robert"

"Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share"

"Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book"

"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"

"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"

"All Cats Go to Hell"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption"

"The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator"

"The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy"

"Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way"

"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"

"Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games"

"Your Nightmares Are Real"

"Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School"

"Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Are Friends?"

"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"

"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"

"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"

"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"

"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"

"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"

"Why Mommy Has So Many Boyfriends"

"The Tickling Babysitter"

***

...and some puns

There was a Chinese Restaurant in which the bill was added up on a hand-held calculator.  In this case the batteries were getting weak and the display was getting hard to read.  It was a dim sum. (Gary Hallack)

What I love doing more than anything is trying to pack myself in a small suitcase; I can hardly contain myself. (Naveed Ijaz)

 Is a questionnaire on the types of Mexican beers people like called a cerveza? (Tiff Wimberly)

One time I had to go to a funeral at 6 AM. I shouldn't have been there. I'm not a mourning person. (Sean)

Some moss took a lichen to a tree. (Pun of the Day)

Last winter I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow, then I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?" (Naveed Ijaz)

Did you really make that big boat out of the wood in that old pier?
Yes. It's a ship off the 'ol dock. (Tyler Kaus)

My roof leaks-due to a lack of good ceiling. (The Big Pun )

A janitor with a broom in hand swept her off her feet. (Pun of the Day)

When a boxer practices in winter, he may be out cold. (Pun of the Day)

Writers cramp is sometimes know as authoritis. Even if they have a pencil, it soon becomes pointless. (Mike Bull)

A Chinese proctologist who was illegally performing free rectal exams.
He got off on probe-Asian. (Gary Hallock)

A talkative politician was the world's first passenger side air-bag.
(Pun of the Day)

For many women, high-heeled shoes are arch enemies. (PANews)

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the nursery. There I was surrounded by trees and bushes. (Dr. Quack)

Those who plant trees be-leaf in the future. (Pun of the Day)

His itch for money made him scratch for it. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon) 

"The company's accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he is retiring." (Milton Berle)

While her sister was having a baby, she waited in eager aunticipation.
(Ed Soliday)

"The cannibal wiped his mouth daintily and said, "My wife makes great soup but I'll miss her." (Milton Berle)

I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser. (Paul Cooper)

Lawyers always have a drink when they're called to the bar. But they usually want just-ice. That is, when they're not at lager-heads.(Mike Bull)

Drug companies have come up with a new product - a combination aphrodisiac and laxative. They say the results are easy come, easy go.
(Coop's Daily Joke Fix)

When I asked my Garu what that funny thing with all the beads on it, he replied, "I think this is my abacus, but I wouldn't count on it." (Lee Daniel Quinn)

Before writing a final copy, a writer needs a pre-text. (Mike Bull)

If you say you have bad skin, I'd say that was a pore excuse. (Pun of the Day)

In 1899, The first shoemaker opened his shop; he had a lot of sole. (Daryl Stout).

The church janitor was also the organist, and had to watch his keys and pews. (Pun of the Day) 

It is important for a ballet student to make her pointe. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon) 

A bear went over the mountain to see what was bruin. (Pun of the Day)

Writers are, at present, tense, though their lives are punctuated by many good periods. (Mike Bull)

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends. (Pun of the Day)

A drunk was taking a swim in a Scotland tourist spot where there is a law that says you can't swim in the loch while drunk. He was charged with public drunk-in-Ness. (Gary Hallock)

If you saw a bear foot in the woods it would give you paws for concern.
(Pun of the Day)

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins. I thought, "That's a turtle disaster." (Naveed Ijaz)

Stanley lives in Warsaw and Wanda lives in Crakow. It might be said that they are Poles apart. (PANews)

Rearranging our schedule can bias time.(Mike Bull)

Sunglasses for sailors had better be seeworthy. (Daily Groaner)

She's been "Born again" --Trouble is, she came back as herself.  (Bob Sachae) 

*****


The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the grade. "You know the self X-ray you took?" asked the professor. "I do." said the student. "A fine picture," the professor said, "of your lungs, stomach, and liver." "If it's a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?" asked the student "I had no choice," said the professor. "You didn't put your heart into it." (Ms. Kitty)

***

Three small boys were bragging about their fathers. The first boasted that his dad owned a farm. The second said his dad owned a factory. The third boy, a pastor's son, replied: "That's nothin'. My dad owns hell." "No way," another boy scoffed. "How can a man own hell?" "Sure he can," the preacher's son said. "My mom told my grandma that them elders of our church gave it to him last night."  (Gail S. Angel)
 
***

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school the teacher punished me for something that I didn't do." The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this right away! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?" "My homework," she replied. (Pete Richardson)

***

Donavan, while visiting Italy, met a sailor from Venice. Before long they found themselves in a tavern. After several hours of heavy drinking the Italian finally slid under the table. The Irishman staggered to his feet and announced, "I'm the first guy who ever drank a Venetian blind!" (Archives)

***

A West Indian millionaire was having a house built and asked for a statue in every room? When it was finished he ignored all the fine sculptures and complained bitterly to the builder.When the builder asked what kind of statues he wanted, he made a gesture indicating picking up the phone and said, "Statue?"  (Johann von Haupkopf)

***

Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they say, "A little birdie told me." Did you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. Thus, these creatures are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend. This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any given question is, "Huh?" Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all now, that the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE. (Archives)

***

As Quasimodo was leaving Orly Airport in Paris on a flight taking him to the Bell Ringers Olympics, he tried to cram the great bell of Notre Dame into the overhead compartment. "I'm sorry," said the flight attendant.
"Your carillon luggage is too big for that space." (Archives)

***

Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father's young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped. One warm April day Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose. A neighbor watched the scene with amusement. "Frank," he finally commented, "you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!" (William Brabant)

***

Two steam locomotives were heading straight towards each other on the same track. One of the trains was loaded with waistcoats (vests) and the other with loaves of fresh bread (still rising) destined for the market. They both arrived at their destinations right on schedule. How was this possible? Because, "vest is vest and yeast is yeast and never the trains shall meet." (Archives)

***

An attorney was driving through the countryside when his car conked out. He looked under the hood and whacked a few things with a hammer. In the process, he knocked off a hose and his arm was soaked with gasoline before he got the line reconnected. Discouraged, he attempted to start his car. Much to his surprise, it started - and he headed for the nearest town to find a mechanic. To celebrate his success, he lit a cigarette, at which time his arm exploded into flames. He stuck his arm out of the window, hoping the wind at 50 miles an hour would put out the blaze. He was promptly pulled over by a local constable and given a ticket for an illegal use of a firearm. (Archives)

***

As has been pointed out, Walt Whitman was an avid advocate of the tilde, the grammatical mark that looks like this: "~". Until his death, he devoted untold hours making others aware of its potential. So today, when people use the little button at the upper left corner of their keyboards, they are often heard singing the old song, "Walt's in my tilde." (Archives)

***

It was rush hour, and the city bus filled until the aisle was jammed with standing commuters. One woman, precariously balanced on spike heels, clung to a handgrip. Suddenly the bus took a sharp corner, flinging her across the laps of two seated male passengers. There was silence and all eyes turned on the threesome. Laughter erupted as the quick-witted woman righted herself and quipped, "All these years I thought I was British, and now I find I'm a Laplander!" (Michael Rogers)

***

A young lad is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory. When the case comes to court the judge decides to make an example of him to discourage other youths from a life of crime. Judge: "Well, what have you to say in your defense?" Boy: "Only that I'm sorry your honor." Judge: "Hrmph. I sentence you to 10 years hard labor, starting immediately." Boy: "But sir, it was only a few bars of cheap soap!" Judge: "Consider yourself lucky!--It could have been  life boy."
(Richard Sissel)

*****

 


Car Parking

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs.Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later.There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.

Incorrect Driving

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Shop Dithering

The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.

Jumble Sale Massacre

The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised 5.28 for local boy scouts.

Talking about Nothing

Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.

Gossiping

On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury, popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur Dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butcher's wife.

When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

Group Toilet Visit

The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.

Film Confusion

The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".

Single Breath Sentence

An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs.Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammot h motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasms.

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