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My brother travels QED Freight

The English are not happy unless they are miserable,
The Irish are not at peace unless they are at war,
The Scots are not at home unless they are abroad.

~ George Orwell

***

I can never forgive God for having created the French.

~ Peter Ustinov

***

Patriotism is the conviction that your country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

~ George Bernard Shaw

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An Englishman's real ambition is to get a railway compartment to himself.

~ Ian Hay

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In Alaska, we have just two seasons - this winter and next winter.

~ Leigh Wade

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Show a Welshman 1001 exits and he will go through the one marked 'Self-Destruction'.

Richard Burton

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I must be the luckiest man in the world. Not only am I bisexual, I am also Welsh.

~ John Osborne

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God created alcohol just to stop the Irish from ruling the world.

~ Patrick Murray

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The typical West of Ireland family consists of father, mother, twelve children and resident Dutch anthropologist.

~ Flann O'Brien

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In Scotland we have a verdict 'not proven'. That means 'not guilty, but don't do it again'.

~ Andrew Brodie

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The English are a race of cold-blooded queers with nasty complexions and terrible teeth who once conquered half the world but still haven't figured out central heating. They warm their beers and chill their baths and boil all their food, including bread.

~ P J O'Rourke

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When Mel Brooks told his mother than he was marrying an Italian girl, she said "Bring her over. I'll be in the kitchen - with my head in the oven".

~ Anne Bancroft

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Given the unlikely options of attending a funeral or a sex orgy, a true Irishman will always opt for the funeral.

~ John B Keane

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There is no housing shortage in England today. That's just a rumour put about by people who have nowhere to live.

~ G L Murfin

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Just arrived in Venice. Streets full of water. Please advise.

~ Robert Benchley

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Living in provincial England is like being married to a stupid but exquisitely beautiful wife.

~ Margaret Halsey

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Of course I don't mind the fight being at three in the morning. Everyone in Glasgow fights at three in the morning.

~ Jim Watt

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The European Community is being run in a thoroughly un-British way.

~ Lord Bethell

***

Where I come from, the valleys are so narrow the dogs have to wag their tails up and down.

~ Sam Snead

***

Nationalism means that every little group of human twerps with its own slang, haircut and pet name for God should have a country.

~ P J O'Rourke

***

The Americans are a funny lot. They drink whiskey to keep them warm, then they put ice in it to make it cool; then they put some sugar in it to make it sweet and then they put a slice of lemon in it to make it sour. Then they say, "Here's to you" and drink it themselves.

~ B N Chakravarty

***

Mundane constraints of space and time do not apply to stories about Oxford.

~ Robert May

***

Why cannot people learn to speak the truth? I have, I think, taught two, perhaps three, Indian colleagues to do so. It will probably wreck their careers.

~ Robert May

***

I never deal with countries who have green in their flag or where people do not wear overcoats in winter.

~ Benjamin Slade

***

I once heard a Californian student in Heidelberg say, in one of his calmest moods, that he would rather decline two drinks than one German adjective.

~ Mark Twain

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The Welsh are just Italians in the rain.

~ Nancy Banks-Smith

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There is nothing the British like more than a bloke who comes from nowhere, makes it and then gets clobbered.

~ Melvyn Bragg

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The best tribute a French translator can pay Shakespeare is not to translate him.

~ Max Beerbohm

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Anyone who has been educated in an English public school and served in the ranks of the British army is quite at home in a Third World prison.

~ Roger Cooper

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The more underdeveloped the country, the more overdeveloped the women.

~ J K Galbraith

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I look upon Scotland as an inferior sort of Switzerland.

~ Sydney Smith

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The Roman Empire declined and fell because it takes all day to say anything in Latin. If your house is on fire or Attila the Hun is at the gate and you've gotta stop and think of tenses, cases and conjugations before you can call for help, brother, you're dead.

~ Dobie Gillis

***

Canadians are generally indistinguishable from Americans and the surest way of telling the two apart is to make this observation to a Canadian.

~ Richard Starnes

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In India, 'cold weather' is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door knob and weather which only makes it mushy.

~ Mark Twain

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An Irish farmer, to cover the possibility of unexpected visitors, can often be found eating his dinner out of a drawer.

~ Niall Toibin

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No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats remember that approximately one billion Chinese people couldn't care less.

~ Abraham Lazlo

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In the German language, the fish is a he, the scales are she and the fishwife it.

~ Mark Twain

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God is good to the Irish, but no one else is, not even the Irish.

~ Austin O'Malley

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Belgium is a country invented by the British to annoy the French.

~ Charles de Gaulle

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New York is the only city in the world where you can get deliberately run over on the sidewalk by a pedestrian.

~ Russell Baker

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I don't like Norwegians at all. The sun never sets, the bar never opens, and the whole country smells of kippers.

~ Evelyn Waugh

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Hollywood is the only place you can wake up in the morning and hear the birds coughing in the trees.

~ Joe Frisco (attrib.)

***

 

She said that all the sights of Rome were called after London cinemas.

~ Nancy Mitford, 'Pigeon Pie', 1940

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The Pacific Ocean was a body of water surrounded on all sides by elephantiasis and other dread diseases.

~ Joseph Heller, 'Catch-22', 1961

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Holland: Apart from cheese and tulips, the main product of the country is advocaat, a drink made from lawyers.

~ Alan Coren, 'The Sanity Inspector', 1974

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In England people actually try to be brilliant at breakfast. That is so dreadful of them! Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.

~ Oscar Wilde, 'An Ideal Husband', 1895

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German is the most extravagantly ugly language. It sounds like someone using a sick-bag on a 747.

~ William Rushton, 'Holiday Inn, Ghent', 1984

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[a venetian's response to being asked why he did not travel]
Why should I travel when I am already here?

***

The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.

~ James Agee

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Fleet Street has a very animated appearance; but I think the full tide of human existence is at Charing Cross.

~ Samuel Johnson

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Waiting for the German verb is surely the ultimate thrill.

~ Flann O'Brien, 'The Hair of the Dogma', 1977

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Worth seeing, yes; but not worth going to see.

~ Samuel Johnson (of the Giant's Causeway)

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If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilised.

~ Oscar Wilde, 'An Ideal Husband', 1895

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There are few more impressive sights than a Scotsman on the make.

~ J M Barrie, 'What Every Woman Knows', 1908

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My first rule of travel is never to go to a place that sounds like a medical condition and Critz clearly was an incurable disease involving flaking skin.

~ Bill Bryson, 'The Lost Continent', 1989

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My one claim to originality among Irishmen is that I never made a speech.

~ George More, 'Ave', 1911

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From Poland to polo in one generation.

~ Arthur Caesar (of Darryl Zanuck)

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Let's be frank, the Italians' technological contribution to humankind stopped with the pizza oven.

~ Bill Bryson, 'Neither Here Nor There', 1991

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They say travel broadens the mind; but you must have the mind.

~ G K Chesterton, 'The Shadow of the Shark', 1921

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It is unthinkable for a Frenchman to arrive at middle age without having syphilis and the Croix de le Légion d'honneur.

~ André Gide

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The most dangerous thing is to make a friend of an Englishman, because he'll come sleep in your closet rather than spend ten shillings on an hotel.

~ Truman Capote

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In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.

~ Robert Benchley, 'Pluck and Luck', 1925

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Hollywood: where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.

~ Fred Allen

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The people of Crete unfortunately make more history than they can consume locally.

~ Saki, 'Chronicles of Clovis', 1911

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If there were any of Australia's original inhabitants living in Melbourne they were kept out of the way of nice people; unless, of course, they could sing.

~ Barry Humphries, 'More Please', 1992

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I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle wrapped up in a mystery inside an enigma.

~ Winston Churchill (in 1939)

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A big hard-boiled city with no more personality than a paper cup.

~ Raymond Chandler, 'The Little Sister', 1949

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Hollywood: A place where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors.

~ Walter Winchell

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Saigon is like all the other great modern cities of the world. It's the mess left over from people getting rich.

~ P J O'Rourke, 'Give War a Chance', 1992

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What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident?

Absence of body.

~ 'Punch' magazine

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Pat: He was an Anglo-Irishman.
Meg: In the blessed name of God what's that?
Pat: A Protestant with a horse.

~ Brendan Behan, 'Hostage', 1958

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You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barn animal, too, for all the good it does.

~ P J O'Rourke, 'Holidays in Hell', 1988

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Poor Mexico, so far from God and so near to the United States.

~ Porfirio Diaz

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California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

~ Fred Allen

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France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.

~ Billy Wilder

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The English find ill-health not only interesting but respectable, and often experience death in the effort to avoid making a fuss.

~ Pamela Frankau, 'Pen to Paper', 1961

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The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.

~ Oscar Wilde

***

In Boston they ask: "How much does he know?" 
In New York: "How much is he worth?" 
In Philadelphia: "Who were his parents?"

~ Mark Twain

***

In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed. They produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce - the cuckoo clock!

~ Orson Welles to Joseph Cotton, 'The Third Man', 1949

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What I learned by being in France was learning to be better satisfied with my own country.

~ Samuel Johnson

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England is the most class-ridden country under the sun. It is a land of snobbery and privilege, ruled largely by the old and silly.

~ George Orwell, 'The Lion and the Unicorn', 1941

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When in Turkey, do as the Turkeys do.

~ Honore de Balzac

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The only nation I've ever been tempted to feel really racist about are the Swiss - a whole country of phobic handwashers living in a giant Barclays Bank.

~ Jonathan Raban. 'Arabia Through the Looking Glass', 1979

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The best thing that can be said for Norwegian television is that it gives you the sensation of a coma without the worry and inconvenience.

~ Bill Bryson, 'Neither Here Nor There', 1991

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The French will only be united under the threat of danger. Nobody can simply bring together a country that has 265 kinds of cheese.

~ Charles de Gaulle

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I could come back to America...to die...but never, never to live.

~ Henry James

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Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

~ Henry Youngman

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The Texan turned out to be good-natured, generous and likable. In three days no one could stand him.

~ Joseph Heller, 'Catch-22', 1961

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Never criticize Americans. They have the best taste that money can buy.

~ Miles Kington

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I landed at Orly airport and discovered my luggage wasn't on the same plane. My bags were finally traced to Israel where they were opened and all my trousers were altered.

~ Woody Allen

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There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

~ Ross MacDonald

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Americans are broad-minded people. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater, and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive there's something wrong with him.

~ Art Buchwald

***

We have passed a lot of water since then.

~ Sam Goldwyn (attrib.)

***

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