Dear Tech Support  ©winnie caw 2002
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Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

Sincerely,

 

Desperate

-----------------------------------

Dear Desperate

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favourite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with Heartbreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [Gaffs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP: Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious Gaffs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a "C:\ I APOLOGIZE" command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.

>>>>

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

<<<<

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4, Hunting 5.2 and Pub 6.9 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

 

Tech Support

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WHAT TO DO WHEN THIS PHOTOCOPIER BREAKS DOWN

1 Do not call for service until everyone concerned has had time to
form an opinion as to what is wrong. Give each member of staff an
opportunity to correct the problem. Whenever possible, ALL controls
and adjusting screws should be turned.

2 After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a major
emergency, place an URGENT call for service. Fridays are best, but any
day after 4-00pm is OK.

3 Alert all personnel so each can give their version of what is wrong.
Suggestions on how to fix the machine will be welcomed by the
Engineer.

4 Hide the Service History Log (if there is one) which can be found
inside the machine. Make several references about the "man who was
here last week" for the same problem.

5 Have at least eight graduate Engineers present to ask highly
technical questions which are in no way related to the problem.

6 The minute the Engineer arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make it
clear that you expected him two days ago. Before he can answer, ask
him when the machine will be back in service.

7 The machine should be as dirty and greasy as possible. A mixture of
oil, pencil sharpenings and toner powder works well. If the machine
has electrical components, add staples and paper clips.

8 Assign a member of staff to supervise the repair, preferably
somebody who has never seen or used the machine before. Bad breath is
a plus here and scores extra points.

9 Ask again when the machine will be ready. Good timing is essential
here and when the machine is in 800 pieces all over the floor will be
just grand.

10 Be sure the machine is in a narrow passage with plenty of people
passing by, each making a comment about how long the repair is taking.
The lighting should be as low as possible - good engineers can work
blindfold.

11 Ask if the machine is ready yet. If the engineer is looking at the
schematic diagram, ask him if he knows what he is doing. It doesn't
hurt to mention that you repaired the toaster last week without the
aid of a schematic diagram.

12 When the repair is completed, tell him what a good job he did. Say
it should be a good job as it took long enough.

13 Make sure the bill goes on someone else's budget.

14 After he has gone, call his supervisor and say that the machine
works worse than before. Follow up with a letter - stop payment of the
account.

15 Follow these rules on every call, no matter how small the problem.

***********

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