NONSENSE POEMS, RHYMES AND SILLINESS♣ ©winnie caw 2004
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Playground Rhymes

Fancy a game of marbles?

Big Bert sat on a cushion,
'I'm much too fat,' moaned he,
Who else could be so miserable?'
The cushion answered, 'Me!'

***

Happy Easter

 It was just a few days before Easter
When in through the beautiful door
Of Maxwell's Exotique Emporium
Swept Lady Belinda Fox-Gore.

 Sebastian Sleek, chief assistant,
Oozed across with a smirk and a smarm
And bowed low in a glitter of Brycreem,
Saying: 'May I assist you, Madaam?'

 'Yes,' said Lady Fox-Gore with a whinny
And a waft of her elegant hand,
'You may bring me a box of soft nails
And a saxophone made out of sand;'

 'And I want a glass wig for my nephew
And a case of your happiest cheese
And a bottle of fog from Vienna
And a dozen young Oxfordshire fleas;'

 'Oh, I nearly forgot, bring an igloo
And some edible towels and a gong
And a cardboard guitar and a post box
And a fork with a wobbly prong;'

 'And two ounces of bone-china rhubarb
And a tortoise for warming the bed
And a packet of knotted spaghetti
And some liquid for polishing bread;'

 'Have you horses? Young Charlie loves horses,
So I'll take twenty-three of the best
And a pair of wire socks and a molehill
And one half of a plasticine vest;'

 'And a chair with five legs and a milk float
And a puddle to hang on the wall
And that thing over there with a helmet
And a couple of cod - and that's all.'

 Mr Sleek slaved away with brown paper
Till at last he had everything wrapped,
Then he wished Lady Gore: 'Happy Easter,'
'Do you mean it's not Christmas?' she snapped.

 'And I thought it was deepest December,
What a silly Milady I am,
Now I won't need a thing; please excuse me
But my taxi is waiting. Goodbye.'

 So she left with a flounce and a flourish
And a swish of the beautiful door,
While, dissolved into tears, poor Sebastian
Seeped away through a crack in the floor.

***

Why don't slugs have shells like snails?
Why don't snakes have feet?
Why does A come after B?
Why are ants so small?
Why don't carrots grow on trees?
Why is Malcolm tall?
Why won't rainbows come indoors?
Why won't custard fry?
Why do bats hang upside-down?
Why don't onions cry?
Why's tomorrow not today?
Why do heads have hair?
Why's a nettle not a rose?
Why aren't circles square?
Why don't horses moo like cows?
Why's July not May?
Why are your fingers in your ears?
Why are you running away?

***

Two of the best

Some people have lisps,
Some people have sniffs,
Some people have snuffles and wheezes,
But no-one has anything quite to compare
With Uncle Fazackerly's sneezes:

They boom, they knock the bookshelves flat,
Whisk every whisker off the cat,
Start storms at sea and sudden squalls,
Make cracks, like spiders, run down walls,

Reduce the thickest rugs to rags,
Stream curtains out like battle flags,
Raise roofs, fuse lamps or smash a vase,
Stop dead the wheels of passing cars.

The last one blew poor Grandad's shirt
Clean off his back, while Grandma's skirt
Zipped out the door and next was seen
On someone's fence in Palmers Green,

And once, I heard a farmer say,
A sneeze blew all his sheep away.
Here's Uncle now. Let's ask...oh, no!
His nose is twitching...get down low!

ATCHOOO!

No, don't stand up; keep under cover;
They come in couples. Here's the other!

AAAAAATCHOOOOOOO!!!

 

Some people have lisps,
Some people have sniffs,
Some people have snuffles and wheezes,
But no-one has anything quite to compare
With Uncle Fazackerley's sneezes.

***

Baa

Two very, very short sheared sheep were standing on a hill,
One warmly mumbling to himself, one baa-ing loud with chill;
The cold one said: 'I'm frozen stiff. How do you get your heating?'
The other answered with a smile; 'That's easy, central bleating.'

***

Some Favourite Words

 

Mugwump, chubby, dunk and whoa,
Swizzle, doom and snoop,
Flummox, lilt and afterglow,
Gruff, bamboozle, whoop
And nincompoop.

Wallow, jungle, lumber, sigh,
Ooze and zodiac,
Innuendo, lullabye,
Ramp and mope and quack
And paddywhack.

Moony, undone, lush and bole,
Inkling, tusk, guffaw,
Waspish, croon and cubbyhole,
Fern, fawn, dumbledor
And many more...

***

Being so small

Ashamed of being so small,
Ashamed of his lowly station,
Ashamed of having no clothes to wear,
No elegant conversation,
Ashamed of knowing no French,
Ashamed of being thought slimy,
Ashamed of having no horse to ride,
And living where things were grimy,
Ashamed of looking so green,
Ashamed of not being a prince,
The frog jumped into the slithery ditch
And hasn't been heard of since.

***

Just my luck

'If weasels could fly,' said my Grannie,
'I would give you four buckets of sweets,
Three mouse-traps, two spoons and a tom-tom,
And lots more magnificent treats.'

 'Then give me them now, quick!' I shouted
As a furry thing whizzed past my throat,
But she shook her head, answering, 'Sorry,
I said weasels, dear, that was a stoat.'

***

The Wizard said:

'You find a sheltered spot that faces south...'

'And then?'

'You sniff and put two fingers in your mouth...'

'And then?'

'You close your eyes and roll your eye-balls round..'

'And then?'

'You lift your left foot slowly off the ground...'

'And then?'

'You make your palm into a kind of cup...'

'And then?'

'You very quickly raise your right foot up...'

'And then?'

'You fall over.'

***

Whistling

You put your lips together and you puff them out a bit,
You make a little circle and you blow some air through it.
My awful cousin Cathy says it's easier than pie.
If drippy weeds like her can do it, why can't I?

***

Tears on Monday

Two white shirts on the washing line
Were flapping high and drying,
When on the clothes peg next to them
A small sock started crying;

And as its tears splashed to the ground
Like rain drops, pitter-patter,
A shirt said: 'Why the weepies, sock?
Whatever is the matter?'

'I'm sorry,' sniffed the sock, looking
From one shirt to the other,
'But how would you feel if the wind
Had carried off your brother?'

***

Said Uncle

'There are people,' said Uncle,
'Who bumble like bees.'

'There are people,' said Uncle,
'With back to front knees.'

'There are people,' said Uncle,
'Who breathe through one ear.'

'There are people,' said Auntie,
'Who shouldn't drink beer.'

***

(all the above poems are by Richard Edwards, from 'Whispers from a Wardrobe' Lutterworth Press 1987)

*****

All the following poems are traditional:-

 

I saw Esau kissing Kate, The fact is we all three saw;
For I saw him, And he saw me,
And she saw I saw Esau.

***

and...

I saw Esau sitting on a see-saw. How many 'ss' in that?

*(answer= none, in 'that')

***

Quick! Quick! The cat's been sick.
Where? Where? Under the chair.
Hasten! Hasten! Fetch the basin.
Alack! Alack! It is too late, The carpet's in an awful state.
No! No! It's all in vain, For she has licked it up again.

***

Oh, dear me! Mother caught a flea,
Put it in a teapot, And made a cup of tea.
When she put the milk in, The flea came to the top;
When she put the sugar in, The flea went POP!

***

It's raining, it's pouring, The old man's snoring.
He got into bed, And bumped his head
And couldn't get up in the morning.

***

There was a man who always wore, A saucepan on his head.
I asked him what he did it for - 'I don't know why,' he said.

'It always makes my ears so sore, I am a foolish man.
I think I'll have to take it off
And wear a frying pan.

***

There were three ghostesses, Sitting on postesses
Eating buttered toastesses, And greasing their fistesses
Right up to their wristesses. Weren't they beastesses
To make such feastesses!

***

A cat may look at a king. A man may look at his brother.
You may look at an ugly thing, And we may all look at each other.

[to someone who doesn't like being stared at]

***

Not last night but the night before,
Twenty-four robbers came knocking at my door.
As I ran out and let them in,This is what they said to me:

'Spanish lady turn right round.
Spanish lady touch the ground.
Spanish lady do the high kicks.
Spanish lady do the splits.

***

One fine day in the middle of the night
Two dead men got up to fight.
A blind man came to see fair play,
A dumb man came to shout hurray.

***

One bright September morning in the middle of July,
The sun lay thick upon the ground, the snow shone in the sky.
The flowers were singing gaily, the birds were full of bloom;
I went upstairs to the cellar to clean a downstairs room.

I saw ten thousand miles away a house just out of sight,
It stood alone between two more and it was black-washed white.

***

I asked my mother for fifty cents
To see the elephant jump the fence;
He jumped so high he reached the sky
And didn't come back till the 4th of July.

***

RIDDLES

It is in the rock, but not in the stone;
It is in the marrow, but not in the bone;
It is in the bolster, but not in the bed;
It is not in the living, nor yet in the dead.

***

As I was going over London Bridge
I met with a Westminster scholar.
He pulled off his cap an'drew off his glove,
And wished me a very good morrow.

 

Riddle: What was his name?

***

The land was white; The seed was black;
It'll take a good scholar, To riddle me that.

***

Brothers and sisters have I none,
But that man's father is my father's son.

***

CHARACTERS

Eaper Weaper, chimney sweeper,
Had a wife and couldn't keep her.
Had another, didn't love her -
Up the chimney he did shove her.

***

Moses supposes his toeses are roses,
But Moses supposes erroneously.
For Moses he knowses his toeses aren't roses
As Moses supposes his toeses to be.

***

Piggy on the railway, picking up stones,
Up came an engine and broke Piggy's bones.
'Oh!' said Piggy, 'That's not fair!'
'Oh!' said the driver, 'I don't care.'

***

NARRATIVES

The boy stood in the supper-room
Whence all but he had fled;
He'd eaten seven pots of jam
And he was gorged with bread.

 

'Oh, one more crust before I bust!'
He cried in accents wild;
He licked the plates, he sucked the spoons -
He was a vulgar child.

 

There came a hideous thunder-clap -
The boy - oh! where was he?
Ask of the maid who mopped him up,
The breadcrumbs and the tea.

***

Moses was a holy man,
Children had he seven,
He thought he'd hire a donkey cart
And drive them all to heaven.
On the road he lost his way,
He thought he knew it well,
He overturned the donkey cart
And landed them in -

***

The rain it raineth all around, Upon the just and unjust fella;
But chiefly on the just because
The unjust stole the just's umbrella.

***

Hi-tidley-i-ti, brown bread!
I saw a sausage fall down dead.
Up came a butcher with a great big knife,
Up jumped the sausage and ran for his life -
Hi-tiddley-i-ti, brown bread!

***

Oh! The grey cat piddled in the white cat's eye;
The white cat said, 'Cor blimey!'
'I'm sorry, Sir, I piddled in your eye,
I didn't know you was behind me..'

***

Riddles (answers) : R, Andrew, Newspaper, son

***

Tom tied a kettle to the tail of a cat;
Jill put a stone in the blind man's hat;
Bob threw his grandmother down the stairs -
And they all grew up ugly and nobody cares.

***

TEASING AND REPARTEE

'Have you got a sister?'
'The beggarman kissed her!'

'Have you got a brother?'
'He's made of indiarubber!'

'Have you got a baby?'
'It's made of bread and gravy.'

***

'What's your name?' 'Butter and tame.'
'If you ask me again, I'll tell you the same.'

***

Adam and Eve and Pinch-me
Went down to the river to bathe;
Adam and Eve were drowned.
Who d'you think was saved?

***

I went up one pair of stairs

[second person answers] 'Just like me.'

I went up two pairs of stairs

(Just like me)

I looked out of the window

(Just like me)

And there I saw a monkey

(Just like me).

***

Birds of a feather flock together,
And so do pigs and swine;
Rats and mice will have their choice,
And so I will have mine.

***

Charlie, Charlie, in the tub,
Charlie, Charlie, pull out the plug.
Oh my goodness, oh my soul,
There goes Charlie down the hole!

***

Nebuchadnezzar the King of the Jews
Sold his wife for a pair of shoes;
When the shoes began to wear
Nebuchadnezzar began to swear;
When the shoes got worse and worse
Nebuchadnezzar began to curse;
When the shoes were quite worn out
Nebuchadnezzar began to shout.

***

Annie ate jam;
Annie ate jelly;
Annie went to bed
with a pain in her belly.

***

I scream, you scream,
We all scream
for ice-cream.

***

[tongue-twister]

I slit the sheet,
A sheet I slit;
A new beslitten sheet was it.

***

Pease-porridge hot, pease-porridge cold,
Pease-porridge in the pot - nine days old.

Spell me that in four letters.

***

To a semi-circle add a circle,
The same again repeat,
Add these to a triangle
And then you'll have a treat.

***

Constantinople is a very long word.

How many letters in it?

***

Railroad crossing - look out for the cars!

Can you spell that without any 'R's?

***

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
If a woodchuck could chuck wood?
As much wood as a woodchuck could chuck,
If a woodchuck could chuck wood.

***

Nobody loves me,
Everybody hates me,
Going in the garden
To - eat -worms.

 

Big, fat juicy ones,
Little squiggly, niggly ones,
Going in the garden
To - eat - worms.

***

Latin is a dead tongue,
Dead as dead can be.
First it killed the Romans.
Now it's killing me.

***

Multiplication is vexation.
Division is as bad.
The Rule of Three doth perplex me,
And practice drives me mad.

***

Moods and Tenses
Bother my senses;
Adverbs, Pronouns,
Make me roar.
Irregular verbs
My sleep disturb,
They are a regular bore.

***

My head doth ache,
My hand doth shake,
I have a naughty pen;
My ink is bad,
My pen is worse,
How can I write well then?

***

Can't think
Brain numb
Inspiration won't come
No ink
Bad pen
Best Wishes
Amen.

***

REPROACHFULNESS

Don't care was made to care,
Don't care was hung,
Don't care was put in a pot
And boiled 'til he was done.

[rebuke to 'Don't care']

***

Give a thing, take it back,
Dance upon the Devil's back.

[for someone who takes back a gift]

***

Tomorrow never comes
When two Sundays come together.

[rebuke to a procrastinator]

***

If 'ifs' and 'ands'
Were pots and pans,
There'd be no work for tinker's hands.

[rebuke for too much supposition]

***

Postman, postman, at the gate,
Will you take this to my date?
Postman, postman, for a laugh,
Do the tango up the path.

***

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The shorter the skirt
the better the view.

***

Roses are red,
Cabbages are green.
If my face is funny
Yours is a scream.

***

Rain, rain, go away, Come another summer's day;
Rain, rain, pour down, And come no more to our town.

***

Good night, sleep tight, Don't let the bed bugs bite;
If they do, don't squall, Take a spoon and eat them all.

***

On a still calm night when the bugs begin to bite
And the fleas run away with the pillow,
If I had a string I would make their ears ring
And make them come back with my pillow.

***

This time tomorrow, where shall I be?
Not at this academy!
No more Latin, no more French,
No more sitting on a hard school bench.
No more dirty bread and butter,
No more water from the gutter.
No more maggots on the ham,
No more yukky bread and jam.
No more milk in dirty old jugs,
No more cabbage boiled with slugs.
No more spiders in my bath,
Trying hard to make me laugh.
No more beetles in my tea,
Making googly eyes at me.
No more things to bring us sorrow -
'cos we won't be here tomorrow!

***

TONGUE-TWISTERS

Betty bought some butter;'But,' she said, 'This butter's bitter;
and a bit of better butter would make a better batter.'
So she bought a bit of butter better than the bitter butter,
and it made her batter better - So it was that Betty bought
a bit of better butter!

***

The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick.

***

Sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack. Sheep should sleep in a shed.

***

Seven silly sheep slowly shuffled south.

***

A noise annoys an oyster;
but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.

***

Spiral-shelled sea-snails shuffle in sea-shells.

***

Eight apes ate eight apples.

***

Three tree toads tied together tried to trot to town.

***

Eight great grey geese grazing gaily in Greece.

***

A big black bug bit a big black bear,
making the big black bear bleed blood.

***

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper;
A peck of pickled pepper Peter Piper picked;
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper;
Where is the peck of pickled pepper Peter Piper picked?

***

She sells sea-shells on the sea-shore.
The shells that she sells are sea-shells, I'm sure.
And if she sells shells on the sea-shore,
Then I'm sure she sells sea-shells.

***

Shallow ships show some signs of sinking.

***

Six thick thistle sticks.

***

Sheila uttered a sharp, shrill shriek, and shrank from the shrivelled form that slumbered in the shadows.

***

A maid with a duster made a furious bluster, dusting a bust in the hall. When the bust, it was dusted; the bust, it was busted. The bust, it is dust. That is all!

***

Sheila Shorter sought a suitor; Sheila sought a suitor short;
Sheila's suitor's sure to suit her; Short's the suitor Sheila sought.

***

You've no need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight;
For a night-light's light's a slight light;
and tonight's a night that is light.
When a night's light, like tonight's light; It's really not quite right,
To light night-lights with their slight lights,
On a light night like tonight.

***

Write, we know, if written right,
Should not be written wright or right,
nor should it be written rite,
But write; for only then is it written right.

***

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