Marriage Quotations ©winnie caw 2002
(follow the arrows below for more of winnie caw's whimsy, or click on a link)

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Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

~ Victor Borge

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Husbands: a small band of men, armed only with wallets, besieged by a horde of wives and children.

~ National Lampoon, 1979

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Adultery is the application of democracy to love.

~ H L Mencken, 'Senteniae', 1920

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The three most important events of human life are equally devoid of reason: birth, marriage and death.

~ Austin O'Malley

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If we take matrimony at its lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police.

~ Robert Louis Stevenson

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I said to the wife, "Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in our road except one."

And she said, "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis at number 23."

~ Max Kauffmann

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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

~ George Burns

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I'm afraid I was very much the traditonalist. I went down on one knee and dictated a proposal which my secretary faxed over straight away.

~ Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie

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Marriage: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all two.

~ Ambrose Bierce

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Marriage is the aftermath of love.

~ Noel Coward

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A meal where the soup is better than the dessert.

~ Austin O'Malley

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A long conversation chequered by disputes.

~ Robert Louis Stevenson

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An honourable agreement among men as to their conduct toward women, and it was devised by women.

~ Don Herold

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Rape by contract.

~ Michelet

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A sacrament by virtue of which each imparts nothing but vexations to the other.

~ Balzac

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A woman's hair net tangled in a man's spectacles on top of the bedroom dresser.

~ Don Herold

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Putting's one's hand into a bag of snakes on the chance of drawing out an eel.

~ Leonardo da Vinci

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A word which should be pronounced 'mirage'.

~ Herbert Spencer

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Marriage is a bribe to make a housekeeper think she's a householder.

~ Thornton Wilder

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Marriage is rather a silly habit.

~ John Osborne

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Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.

~ G K Chesterton

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Take it from me, marriage isn't a word - it's a sentence.

~ King Vidor

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Marriage, a market which has nothing free but the entrance.

~ Montaigne

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I feel sure that no girl could go to the altar, and would probably refuse, if she knew all...

~ Queen Victoria

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The Sphinx-riddle. Solve it, or be torn to bits, is the decree.

~ D H Lawrence

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Marriage must incessantly contend with a monster that devours everything: familiarity.

~ Balzac

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Most marriage don't add two people together. They subtract one from the other.

~ Ian Fleming

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Most of the time in married life is taken up by talk.

~ Nietzsche

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Marriage is the permanent conversation between two people who talk over everything and everyone until death breaks the record.

~ Cyril Connolly

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It isn't silence you can cut with a knife any more, it's interchange of ideas. Intelligent discussion of practically everything is what is breaking up modern marriage.

~ E B White

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The worst of marriage is that it makes a woman believe that all other men are just as easy to fool.

~ H L Mencken

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Marriage is hardly a thing one can do now and then, except in America.

~ Oscar Wilde

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Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

~ Ogden Nash

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The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but we must live with a character.

~ Peter de Vries

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A man finds himself seven years older the day after his marriage.

~ Francis Bacon

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During a long and varied career as a bachelor, I have noticed that marriage is the death of politeness between a man and a woman.

~ Arnold Bennett

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There are two kinds of marriages: where the husband quotes the wife, and where the wife quotes the husband.

~ Clifford Odets

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When I hear that a friend has fallen into matrimony, I feel the same sorrow as if I had heard of his lapsing into theism.

~ Swinburne

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A system could not well have been devised more studiously hostile to human happiness than marriage.

~ Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Having once embarked on your marital voyage, it is impossible not to be aware that you make no way and that the sea is not within sight - that, in fact, you are exploring an enclosed basin.

~ George Eliot

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Marriage is traditionally the destiny offered to women by society. Most women are married or have been, or plan to be or suffer from not being.

~ Simone de Beauvoir

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Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work in a brewery.

George Jean Nathan

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A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Show me one couple unhappy merely on account of their limited circumstances, and I will show you ten who are wretched from other causes.

~ Samuel Taylor Coleridge

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Marriage was all a woman's idea, and for man's acceptance of the pretty yoke it becomes us to be grateful.

~ Phyllis McGinley

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[Marriage] can be compared to a cage: birds outside it despair to enter, and birds within, to escape.

~ Montaigne

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If married couples did not live together, happy marriages would be more frequent.

~ Nietzsche

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How marriage ruins a man. It's a demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive.

~ Oscar Wilde

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Even the God of Calvin never judged anyone as harshly as married couples judge each other.

~ Wilfrid Sheed

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It is always incomprehensible to a man that a woman should refuse an offer of marriage.

~ Jane Austen

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Love matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother.

~ Nietzsche

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Love-matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar.

~ Countess of Blessington

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Marriage, as practised by high society, is arranged indecency.

~ Nicholas Chamfort

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Squeeze marriage as much as you like, you will never extract anything from it but fun for bachelors and boredom for husbands.

~ Balzac

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In married life three is company and two is none.

~ Oscar Wilde

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In our part of the world where monogamy is the rule, to marry means to halve one's rights and double one's duties.

~ Schopenhauer

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We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.

~ Mort Saul

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A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

~ Montaigne

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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing evrything we can to keep our marriage together.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

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The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to step back and see where his wife is wrong.

~ Archie Blunker

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No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married.

~ Benjamin Disraeli

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In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued.

~ Helen Rowland

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I come from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

~ Lewis Grizzard

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Marriage is worse than dying. Why stay with one person for fifty years? We advise against marriage.

~ Joey Ramone

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A book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.

~ Beverly Nichols

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Something like the measles; we all have to go through it.

~ Jerome K Jerome

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Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.

~ Jean Kerr

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I'd marry again if I found a man who had $15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage, and guarantee he'd be dead within a year.

~ Bette Davis

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I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

~ Lewis Grizzard

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Should I marry W? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name. And what about her career? How can I ask a woman of her beauty to give up the Roller Derby? Decisions...

~ Woody Allen

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The chief cause of unhappiness in married life is that people think that marriage is sex attraction, which takes the form of promises and hopes and happiness - a view supported by public opinion and by literature. But marriage cannot cause happiness. Instead, it is always torture, which man has to pay for satisfying his sex urge.

~ Tolstoy

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Passion and marriage are essentially irreconcilable. Their origins and their ends make them mutually exclusive. Their co-existence in our midst constantly raises insoluble problems, and the strife thereby engendered constitutes a persistent danger for every one of our social safeguards.

~ Denis de Rougemont

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He married a woman to stop her getting away

Now she's there all day.

~ Philip Larkin

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His designs were strictly honorable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.

~ Henry Fielding

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Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.

~ Gloria Steinem

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Marriage..is not really a natural state. In nature, coupling is almost always for the sole purpose of mating. Few members of the animal kingdom stay together in couples after mating, except for carrier pigeons and whales. Are you going to stay together with one mate because of carrier pigeons and whales?

~ Dan Greenberg and Suzanne O'Malley

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Both in the lower and the middle classes the wiseacres urge young men 'to think it over' before taking the decisive step. Thus they foster the delusion that the choice of a wife or husband may be governed by a certain number of accurately weighable pros and cons. This is a crude delusion on the part of common sense.

~ Denis de Rougemont

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Spouses are great impediments to great enterprises.

~ Sir Francis Bacon

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Were a man to consult only his reason, who would marry? For myself, I wouldn't marry, for fear of having a son who resembled me.

~ Nicholas Chamfort

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The only charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception necessary for both parties.

~ Oscar Wilde

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By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

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Never get married while you're going to college; it's hard enough to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake.

~ Kin Hubbard

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If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.

~ Chekhov

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A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands.

~ Sacha Guitry

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No man should marry before he has studied anatomy and dissected the body of a woman.

~ Balzac

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Only choose in marriage a woman whom you would choose as a friend if she were a man.

~ Joseph Joubert

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My advice to girls: first, don't smoke - to excess; second, don't drink - to excess; third, don't marry - to excess.

~ Mark Twain

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People marry for a variety of reasons, and with varying results; but to marry for love is to invite inevitable tragedy.

~ James Branch Cabell

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A man and a woman marry because both of them do not know what to do with themselves.

~ Chekhov

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No woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first.

~ Cesare Pavare

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A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.

~ W Somerset Maugham

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If they only married when they fell in love, most people would die unwed.

~ Robert Louis Stevenson

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Man and wife make one fool.

~ Ben Jonson

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He's a fool that marries; but he's a greater fool that does not marry a fool.

~ William Wycherly

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Every man plays the fool once in his life, but to marry is playing the fool all one's life long.

~ William Congreve

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It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

~ Robert Frost

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Many a marriage hardly differs from prostitution, except being harder to escape from.

~ Bertrand Russell

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Strange to say what delight we married people have to see those poor fools decoyed into our condition.

~ Samuel Pepys

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Marriage is a bargain, and somebody has to get the worst end of the bargain.

~ Helen Rowland

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What they do in heaven we are ignorant of; but what they do not do we are told expressly, they neither marry nor are given in marriage.

~ Jonathan Swift

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Marriage is neither heaven or hell; it is simply purgatory.

~ Abraham Lincoln

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There are some good marriages, but practically no delightful ones.

~ La Rochefoucauld

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If men knew how women pass the time when they're alone, they'd never marry.

~ O Henry

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I married beneath me - all women do.

~ Nancy Astor

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Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.

~ Isadora Duncan

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There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is something no married man knows anything about.

~ Oscar Wilde

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What God hath joined together no man shall put asunder: God will take care of that.

~ George Bernard Shaw

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Whom God has put asunder, why should man put together?

~ Emerson

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The reason why so few marriages are happy is because young ladies spend their time making nets, not in making cages.

~ Jonathan Swift

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Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of insincerity possible between two human beings.

~ Vicki Baum

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Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

~ Groucho Marx

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No compass has ever been invented for the high seas of matrimony.

~ Heinrich Heine

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The critical period in matrimony is breakfast-time.

~ A P Herbert

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There is a French saying: "Love is the dawn of marriage, and marriage is the sunset of love."

~ De Finod

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A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes.

~ Joseph Addison

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Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies; the result being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings.

~ Dave Barry

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It destroys ones nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.

~ Unknown

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Every woman should marry - and no man.

~ Benjamin Disraeli

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Men marry to make an end; women to make a beginning.

~ Alexis Dupuy

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Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.

~ Benjamin Franklin

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After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin: they just cannot face each other, yet they still stay together.

~ Hemant Joshi

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I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and by then it was too late.

~ Max Kauffman

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Marriage is like a cage, one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out.

~ Michel de Montaigne

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Marriage is a lottery in which men stake their liberty and women their happiness.

~ Madame de Rieux

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I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.

~ Will Rogers

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Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.

~ George Bernard Shaw

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When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal and exhausting condition until death do them part.

~ George Bernard Shaw

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Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions; yet always punishing anyone who comes between them.

~ Sydney Smith

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Marriage: a ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman.

~ Spencer

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Marriage is the one subject on which all women agree and all men disagree.

~ Oscar Wilde

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Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed.

~ Oscar Wilde

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Marriage is like a box of chocolates. You have to squeeze a few bottoms to make sure what you are getting.

~ Unknown

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A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really knows what goes into it.

~ Unknown

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Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

~ Unknown

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Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.

~ Unknown

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Is it better for a woman to marry a man who loves her than a man she loves?

~ Unknown

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A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple.

~ Unknown

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Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

~ Unknown

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MENCKEN ON MARRIAGE

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?

*****

The only really happy folk are married women and single men.

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One of the aims of connubial bliss is to punish both parties.

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The fundamental trouble with marriage is that it shakes a man's confidence in himself, and so greatly diminishes his general competence and effectiveness. His habit of mind becomes that of a commander who has lost a decisive and calamitous battle. He never quite trusts himself thereafter.

*****

If I ever marry, it will be on a sudden impulse - as a man shoots himself.

*****

Marrying is like enlisting in a war or being sentenced to a form of penal servitude that makes the average American husband into a slave.

*****

That I have escaped [marriage]...is not my fault, nor is it to my credit; it is due to a mere act of God. I am no more responsible for it than I am for my remarkable talent as a pianist, my linguistic skills, or my dark, romantic, somewhat voluptuous beauty.

*****

A man may be a fool and not know - but not if he is married.

*****

In marriage, for a man, in order to get the precise thing or things that he wants, he has to take a lot of other things that he does not want.

*****

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

*****

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whiskey than he used to drink when he was single.

*****

A woman usually respects her father, but her view of her husband is mingled with contempt, for she is of course privy to the transparent devices by which she ensnared him.

*****

The way to hold a husband is to keep him a little jealous; the way to lose him is to keep him a little more jealous.

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Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest.

*****

Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they'd be married too.

*****

No unmarried woman can be polite to a bachelor without beginning to speculate how he would look in a wedding coat. This fact, which is too obvious to need proof, makes friendly dealings with them somewhat strained.

*****

Being married with all your friends around you is as private and as discriminating as eating in the window of a restaurant.

*****

Getting married, like getting hanged, is a great deal less dreadful than it has been made out.

*****

If I had to live my life over again, I don't think I'd change it in any particular of the slightest consequence. I'd choose the same parents, the same birthplace...the same wife.

*****

It is a grand experience to be able to look a hotel detective in the eye.

*****

...and INFIDELITY

 

All a writer has to do to get a woman is to say he's a writer. It's an aphrodisiac.

~ Saul Bellow

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I should never have married, but I didn't want to live without a man. Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.

~ Bette Davis

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I've only slept with the men I've been married to. How many women can make that claim?

~ Elizabeth Taylor

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I didn't get ahead by sleeping with people. Girls, take heart!

~ Barbara Walters

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I have never been able to sleep with anyone. I require a full-size bed so that I can lie in the middle of it and extend my arms spreadeagle on both sides without being obstructed.

~ Mae West

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

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As a young man I used to have four supple members and one stiff one. Now I have four stiff and one supple.

~ Henri, Duc d'Aumale

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Once they call you a Latin Lover, you're in real trouble. Women expect an Oscar performance in bed.

~ Marcello Mastroianni

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Sex appeal is fifty percent what you've got and fifty percent what people think you've got.

~ Sophia Loren

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When I was young, I used to have successes with women because I was young. Now I have successes with women because I am old. Middle age was the hardest part.

Arthur Rubinstein

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I go out with actresses because I'm not apt to marry one.

Henry Kissinger

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If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

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I would rather go to bed with Lillian Russell stark naked than Ulysses S Grant in full military regalia.

~ Mark Twain

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I didn't know how babies were made until I was pregnant with my fourth child five years later.

~ Loretta Lynn

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I hate to be a failure. I hate and regret the failure of my marriages. I would gladly give all my millions for just one lasting marital success.

~ J Paul Getty

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For the first year of mariage I had a basically bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal.

~ Woody Allen

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I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.

~ Dick Martin

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I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.

~ Walt Disney

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Music is my mistress, and she plays second fiddle to no one.

~ Duke Ellington

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I love the bitch to death.

~ Keith Richards, on his wife

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I have never loved another person the way I love myself.

~ Mae West

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I have never loved anyone for love's sake except, perhaps, Josephine - a little.

~ Napoleon I

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I've looked on a lot of women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. This is something God recognises I will do, and God forgives me for it.

~ Jimmy Carter

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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers and a bartender.

~ Rodney Dangerfield

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Women want you to deceive them: they force you to, and if you resist, they blame you.

~ Flaubert

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Never tell. Not if you love your wife...In fact, if your old lady walks in on you deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay On Top Of Me Or I'll Die.' " I didn't know what I was goin' to do...

~ Lenny Bruce

*****

The woman who is about to deceive her husband always carefully thinks out how she is going to act, but she is never logical.

~ Balzac

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My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.

~ Rita Rudner

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A Code of Honour: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonourable behavior. Unless she's really attractive.

~ Bruce Jay Friedman

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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

~ Henry Youngman

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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

~ Sacha Guitry

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Even in civilized mankind faint traces of monogamous instinct can be perceived.

~ Bertrand Russell

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Benchley and I had an office in the old Life magazine that was so tiny, if it were an inch smaller it would have been adultery.

~ Dorothy Parker

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Adultery is the application of democracy to love.

~ H L Mencken

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I am not faithful but I am attached.

Gunter Grass

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There are women whose infidelities are the only link they still have with their husbands.

~ Sacha Guitry

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When a Roman was returning from a trip, he used to send someone ahead to let his wife know, so as not to surprise her in the act.

~ Montaigne

*****

A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.

~ Henri du Bois

*****

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

~ W C Fields

*****

As we all know from witnessing the consuming jealousy of husbands who are never faithful, people do not confine themselves to the emotions to which they are entitled.

~ Quentin Crisp

*****

When a woman unhappily yoked talks about the soul with a man not her husband, it isn't the soul they ae talking about.

~ Don Marquis

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I am a strict monogamist: it is twenty years since I last went to bed with two women at once, and then I was in my cups and not myself.

~ H L Mencken

*****

You can't tell your friend you've been cuckolded; even if he doesn't laugh at you, he may put the information to personal use.

~ Montaigne

*****

You cannot pluck roses without fear of thorns, nor enjoy a fair wife without danger of horns.

~ Benjamin Franklin

*****

Heiresses are never jilted.

~ George Meredith

*****

Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time.

~ Dirk Bogarde in 'Darling' (screenplay by Frederic Raphael)

*****

Viscount Waldorf Astor owned Britain's two most influential newspapers, The Times and The Observer, but his American wife, Nancy, had a wider circulation than both papers put together.

~ Emery Kellen

*****

Sara could commit adultery at one end and weep for her sins at the other, and enjoy both operations at once.

~ Joyce Cary

*****

Accursed from their birth they be/Who seek to find monogamy.

Pursuing it from bed to bed - I think that they would be better dead.

~ Dorothy Parker

*****

There are few who would not rather be taken in adultery than in provocation.

~ Aldous Huxley

*****

Modern Advice 2007

Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each otherís financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one anotherís ideas and complaints?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each otherís spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

10) Do we like and respect each otherís friends?

11) Do we value and respect each otherís parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the otherís family, are we prepared to move?

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the otherís commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

***********

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