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I have a face that is a cross between two pounds of halibut and an explosion in an old-clothes closet. If it isn't mobile, it's dead.

~ David Niven

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I had inherited what my father called the art of the advocate, or the irritating habit of looking for the flaw in any argument.

~ John Mortimer, 'Clinging to the Wreckage', 1982

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The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

~ Robert Helpmann

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Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity.

~ Oprah Winfrey

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We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?

~ Jean Cocteau

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All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

~ Mark Twain

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Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others.

~ Oscar Wilde

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Some speakers electrify their listeners; others only gas them.

~ Sydney Smith

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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.

~ Joan Rivers

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Lord Birkenhead is very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

~ Margot Asquith

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Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

~ Werner von Braun

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Even paranoids have real enemies.

~ Delmore Schwartz

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If I have ever made any valuable discoveries, it has been owing more to patient attention that to any other talent.

~ Isaac Newton

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He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.

~ David Frost

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One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear.

~ J B Morton, 'By the Way', 1931

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Thank heavens the sun has gone in, and I don't have to go out and enjoy it.

~ Logan Pearsall Smith, 'Afterthoughts', 1931

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To do each day two things one dislikes is a precept I have followed scrupulously: every day I have got up and I have gone to bed.

~ W Somerset Maugham

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Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.

~ Frank McKinney Hubbard

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People who live in glass houses have to answer the bell.

~ Bruce Patterson

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You're always a little disappointing in person because you can't be the edited essence of yourself.

~ Mel Brooks

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Fortunately, just as things were blackest, the war broke out.

~ Joseph Heller, 'Catch-22', 1961

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[to Groucho Marx]

Is that your real name?

Marx: No, I'm breaking it in for a friend.

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His face shining like Moses, his teeth like the Ten Commandments, all broken.

~ Herbert Beerbohm Tree (of Israel Zangwill)

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Most of my friends seem to be either dead, extremely deaf or living on the wrong side of Kent.

~ John Gielgud

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Somebody's boring me, I think it's me.

~ Dylan Thomas

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Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies.

~ Gore Vidal

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I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

~ Fran Lebowitz, 'Social Studies', 1981

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The rush-hour traffic I'd just as soon miss

When caraftercarismovinglikethis.

~ Robert Lauher

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I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs!

~ Sam Goldwyn

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He's very, very well-known. I'd say he's world-famous in Melbourne.

~ Dame Edna Everage

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To me, old age is always fifteen years older than I am.

~ Bernard Baruch

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I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

~ E V Lucas, '365 Days and One More', 1926

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Actually, there is no way of making vomiting courteous. You have to do the next best thing, which is to vomit in such a way that the story you tell about it later will be amusing.

~ P J O'Rourke, 'Modern Manners', 1984

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Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.

~ Evelyn Waugh

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I regard you with an indifference closely bordering on aversion.

~ Robert Louis Stevenson, 'New Arabian Nights', 1882

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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

~ Fred Allen

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Judge: You are extremely offensive, young man.

Smith: As a matter of fact, we both are, and the only difference between us is that I am trying to be, and you can't help it.

~ F E Smith, Earl of Birkenhead, 1933

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Forgive your enemies but never forget their names.

~ John F Kennedy

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What time he can spare from the adornment of his person he devotes to the neglect of his duties.

~ William Hepworth Thompson (of Richard Jebb), 'With Dearest Love to All', 1960

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When a man tells me he's going to put all his cards on the table, I always look up his sleeve.

~ Lord Hore-Belisha

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Braddock: Winston, you're drunk.

Churchill: Bessie, you're ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober.

~ Winston Churchill (to Labour MP Bessie Braddock)

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I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.

~ Mark Twain

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A population explosion is something that happens when people take leave of their census.

~ Anon

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The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

~ Sir George Jessel

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Every Tom Dick and Harry is called Arthur.

~ Sam Goldwyn

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[speaking of Eleanor Roosevelt]

No woman has so comforted the distressed or so distressed the comfortable.

~ Clare Boothe Luce

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I don't pay attention to him. I don't even ignore him.

~ Sam Goldwyn

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I will not go down to posterity talking bad grammar.

~ Benjamin Disraeli

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His huff arrived and he departed in it.

~ Alexander Woollcott

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The greatest thing since they reinvented unsliced bread.

~ William Keagan

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No matter. The dead bird does not leave the nest.

~ Winston Churchill (on being told that his fly was undone)

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Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.

~ Leo Rosten (of W C Fields)

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I am a deeply superficial person.

~ Andy Warhol

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Success didn't spoil me; I've always been insufferable.

~ Fran Lebowitz

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Don't you realize that missionaries are the divinely provided food for destitute and underfed cannibals? Whenever they are on the brink of starvation, Heaven in its infinite mercy sends them a nice plump missionary.

~ Oscar Wilde

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Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over, and showing it principally in one spot.

~ Josh Billings, 'The Complete Works of Josh Billings', 1919

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The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

~ Robert Frost

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When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.

~ Erma Bombeck (attrib.)

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I always thought that once you grew up you could do anything you wanted - stay up all night or eat ice-cream straight out of the container.

~ Bill Bryson

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Perfume is a subject dear to my heart. I have so many favourites:

Arome de Grenouille, Okéfenôkée, Eau Contraire, Fume de ma Tante, Blast du Past, Kèrmes, Je Suis Swell, and Attention S'il Vous Plaît, to name but a few.

~ Miss Piggy, 'Miss Piggy's Guide to Life', 1981

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It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

~ Mark Twain

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What's on your mind? - if you'll forgive the overstatement.

~ Fred Allen

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McEnroe...did his complete Krakatoa number.

~ Clive James

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The General was essentially a man of peace, except in his domestic life.

~ Oscar Wilde, 'The Importance of Being Earnest', 1895

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I have been in a youth hostel...You are put in a kitchen with seventeen venture scouts with behavioural difficulties and made to wash swedes.

~ Victoria Wood, 'Mens Sana in Thingummy Doodah', 1990

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Met a guy this morning with a glass eye. He didn't tell me - it just came out in the conversation.

~ Jerry Dennis

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What is my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an egg into an electric fan.

~ Oliver Herford.

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I do not object to people looking at their watches when I am speaking. But I strongly object when they start shaking them to make certain they are still going.

~ Lord Birkett

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Of course I don't want to go to a cocktail party...If I wanted to stand around with a load of people I don't know eating bits of cold toast I can get caught shoplifting and go to Holloway [women's prison].

~ Victoria Wood, 'Mens Sana in Thimgummy Doodah', 1990

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I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.

~ Sam Goldwyn

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Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.

~ Mark Twain

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In my day, the principal concerns of university students were sex, smoking dope, rioting and learning. Learning was something you did only when the first three weren't available.

~ Bill Bryson, 'The Lost Continent', 1989

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Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

~ Fran Lebowitz, 'Social Studies', 1981

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Universities are full of knowledge; the freshmen bring a little in and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.

~ Abbott Lawrence Lowell

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In examinations, those who do not wish to know ask questions of those who cannot tell.

~ Walter Raleigh, 'Laughter from a Cloud', 1923

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I know I've got a degree. Why does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I've got a life-saving certificate but I don't spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.

~ Victoria Wood, 'Mens Sana in Thimgummy Doodah', 1990

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If you think that education is expensive, try ignorance.

~ Derek Bok

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Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.

~ Oscar Levant, 'Memoirs of an Amnesiac', 1965

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Is it progress if a cannibal uses a fork?

~ Stanislaw J Lec

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Let us be of good cheer, remembering that the misfortunes hardest to bear are those that never come.

~ James Russell Lowell

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It is a secret in the Oxford sense. You may tell it to only one person at a time.

~ Lord Franks

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There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.

~ Mark Twain

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All that I desire to point out is the general principle that Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life.

~ Oscar Wilde

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He who laughs, lasts.

~ Mary Pettibone Poole

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I do not see any reason why the devil should have all the good tunes.

~ Rowland Hill

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I must decline your invitation owing to a subsequent invitation.

~ Oscar Wilde

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The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline baggage.

~ Mark Russell

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If a scientist were to cut his ear off, no one would take it as evidence of a heightened sensibility.

~ Peter Medawar

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Duty is what one expects from others, it is not what one does oneself.

~ Oscar Wilde, 'A Woman of No Importance', 1893

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I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know.

~ Mark Twain

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Never assume that habitual silence means ability in reserve.

~ Geoffrey Madan, 'Twelve Reflections', 1934

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A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

~ Fred Allen

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Saturday afternoon, although occurring at regular and well-foreseen intervals, always takes this railway by surprise.

~ W S Gilbert

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There is something fascinating about silence. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

~ Mark Twain

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The worst part of having success is to try finding someone who is happy for you.

~Better Midler (attrib.)

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People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

~ Ogden Nash

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We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

~ Milton Berle

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This is a free country, madam. We have a right to share your privacy in a public place.

~ Peter Ustinov, 'Romanoff and Juliet', 1956

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Manners are especially the need of the plain. The pretty can get away with anything.

~ Evelyn Waugh

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When a person tells you, "I'll think it over and let you know" - you know.

~ Olin Miller

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If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.

~ George Bernard Shaw

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The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously.

~ Hubert Humphrey

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The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt.

~ Bertrand Russell

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It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.

~ Oscar Wilde

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Nothing needs so reforming as other people's habits.

~ Mark Twain

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Reality is for people who can't face drugs.

~ Laurence Peter

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Nothing is more annoying than to be obscurely hanged.

~ Voltaire

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It is difficult to see why lace should be so expensive; it is mostly holes.

~ Mary Wilson Little

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It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying bad things against one, behind one's back, that are absolutely and entirely true.

~ Oscar Wilde

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The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed but that he cannot believe anyone else.

~ George Bernard Shaw

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Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.

~ Samuel Butler

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There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.

~ Josh Billings

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A lie can be halfway round the world before the truth has got its boots on.

~ James Callaghan

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The way to ensure summer in England is to have it framed and glazed in a comfortable room.

~ Horace Walpole

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A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

~ Ogden Nash, 'A Dog's Best Friend is his Illiteracy', 1953

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One should never make one's entrance with a scandal. One should reserve that to give an interest to one's old age.

~ Oscar Wilde, 'The Picture of Dorian Gray', 1891

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I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes one far too conceited.

~ Oscar Wilde, 'An Ideal Husband', 1895

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The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

~ Frank Lloyd Wright

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We're living in an age where you have to call a chick and ask her if she'll wear a dress tonight. And she says: "You're weird."

~ Tim Rose

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If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.

~ P G Wodehouse

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Gold was not altogether certain what, anatomically, a gorge was, but he knew that his was rising.

~ Joseph Heller, 'Good as Gold', 1979

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A chrysanthemum by any other name would be easier to spell.

~ William J Johnston

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The dusk was performing its customary intransitive operation of "gathering".

~ Flann O'Brien, 'The Best of Myles', 1968

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Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards.

~ Sir Fred Hoyle

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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

~ Oscar Wilde

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The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavour upon the business known as gambling.

~ Ambrose Bierce

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Committees are a group of the unfit appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

~ Carl C Byers

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I remember your name perfectly, but I just can't think of your face.

~ Reverend William Spooner

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You have tasted your worm, you have hissed my mystery lectures, and you must leave by the first town drain.

~ Reverend William Spooner

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You're the sort of person Dr Spooner would have called a shining wit!

~ Anon

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Let's find out what everyone is doing,

And then stop everyone from doing it.

~ A P Herbert

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A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

~ Robert Frost

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Unseen, in the background, Fate was quietly slipping the lead into the boxing glove.

~ P G Wodehouse, 'Very Good Jeeves', 1930

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We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality.

~ Albert Einstein

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All our final decisions are made in a state of mind that is not going to last.

~ Marcel Proust

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It is a good rule in life never to apologise. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.

~ P G Wodehouse, 'The Man Upstairs', 1914

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I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

~ Hunter S Thompson

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A successful lawsuit is one worn by a policeman.

~ Robert Frost

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Never buy anything simply because it is expensive.

~ Oscar Wilde

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The price of freedom of religion, or of speech, or of the press, is that we must put up with a good deal of rubbish.

~ Robert Jackson

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In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing.

~ Oscar Wilde, 'The Importance of Being Earnest', 1895

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You will always find some Eskimo ready to instruct the Congolese on how to cope with heatwaves.

~ Stanislaw J Lec

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The most beautiful things in the world are the most useless - peacocks and lilies, for instance.

~ John Ruskin

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It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

~ Mark Twain

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A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.

~ Fred Allen

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Eccentricity, to be socially acceptable, had still to have at least four or five generations of inbreeding behind it.

~ Osbert Lancaster, 'All Done From Memory', 1953

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Lots of people confuse bad management with destiny.

~ Frank McKinney Hubbard

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Only the shallow know themselves.

~ Oscar Wilde

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The word 'good' has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man.

~ G K Chesterton

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The fellow who laughs last may laugh best, but he gets the reputation of being very slow-witted.

~ Leo Rosten

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When you are in trouble, people who call to sympathize are really looking for the particulars.

~ Edgar Watson Howe, 'Country Town Sayings', 1911

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Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.

~ Laurence Peter

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Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.

~ Victoria Wood

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It's my rule never to lose me temper till it would be detrimental to keep it.

~ Sean O'Casey, 'The Plough and the Stars', 1926

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The penalty of success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.

~ Nancy Astor

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Good taste is better than bad taste, but bad taste is better than no taste.

~ Arnold Bennett

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Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you.

~ Elbert Hubbard, 'The Notebook', 1927

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The trouble with being in the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

~ Lily Tomlin

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The old middle-class prerogative of being permanently in a most filthy temper.

~ John Mortimer, 'Clinging to the Wreckage', 1982

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A man who moralizes is usually a hypocrite, and a woman who moralizes is invariably plain.

~ Oscar Wilde, 'Lady Windermere's Fan', 1892

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He has all the characteristics of a dog - except loyalty.

~ Sam Houston

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When everyone is somebodee,

Then no one's anybody.

~ W S Gilbert, 'The Gondoliers', 1889

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The man who is denied the opportunity of taking decisions of importance begins to regard as important the decisions he is allowed to take.

~ C Northcote Parkinson, 'Parkinson's Law', 1958

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The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

~ Fran Lebowitz, 'Social Studies', 1981

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The good are so harsh to the clever, the clever so rude to the good.

~ Miss Wordsworth

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A camel is a horse designed by a committee.

~ Alec Issigonis

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There are two things to aim at in this life; first to get what you want; and, after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second.

~ Logan Pearsall Smith

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All beginnings are delightful; the threshold is the place to pause.

~ Goethe

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Give a civil servant a good cause and he'll wreck it with clichés, bad punctuation, double negatives and convoluted apology.

~ Alan Clark

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I'd like to borrow his body for just 48 hours. There are three guys I'd like to beat up and four women I'd like to make love to.

~ Jim Murray (of Muhammed Ali)

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If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.

~ Katharine Hepburn

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When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity.

~ George Bernard Shaw, 'Man and Superman', 1903

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Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

~ H G Wells

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To keep an organization young and fit, don't hire anyone until everybody's so overworked they'll be glad to see the newcomer no matter where he sits.

~ Robert Townsend

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It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.

~ Harry S Truman

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You must come again when you have less time.

~ Walter Sickert

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An aristocracy in a republic is like a chicken whose head has been cut off: it may run about in a lively way, but in fact it is dead.

~ Nancy Mitford

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Good manners is the art of making those people easy with whom we converse. Whoever makes the fewest people uneasy is the best bred of the company.

~ Jonathan Swift

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Never take a reference from a clergyman. They always want to give someone a second chance.

~ Lady Selbourne

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Life is a mirror: if you frown at it, it frowns back; if you smile, it returns the greeting.

~ William Makepeace Thackeray

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Anybody seen in a bus over the age of thirty has been a failure in life.

~ Loelia, Duchess of Westminster

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Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few.

~ Benjamin Disraeli

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He that has a secret to hide should not only hide it but hide that he has to hide it.

~ Thomas Carlyle

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It is very strange, and very melancholy, that the paucity of human pleasures should persuade us ever to call hunting one of them.

~ Samuel Johnson

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Friends are God's apology for relations.

~ Hugh Kingsmill

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The one important thing I have learned over the years is the difference between taking one's work seriously and taking one's self seriously. The first is imperative and the second is disastrous.

~ Margot Fonteyn

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The world is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel.

~ Horace Walpole

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Never go out to meet trouble. If you will just sit still, nine cases out of ten someone will intercept it before it reaches you.

~ Calvin Coolidge

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How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something, but someone.

~ Coco Chanel

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All decent people live beyond their incomes nowadays, and those who aren't respectable live beyond other people's.

~ Saki, 'Chronicles of Clovis', 1911

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Like all weak men he laid an exaggerated stress on not changing one's mind.

~ W Somerset Maugham, 'Of Human Bondage', 1915

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Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you snore alone.

~ Anthony Burgess

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If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs, perhaps you do not understand the situation.

~ Nelson Boswell

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Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

~ Oscar Wilde

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A house unkept cannot be so distressing as a life unlived.

~ Rose Macaulay

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Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

~ Fran Lebowitz, 'Social Studies', 1981

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Like all very selfish people she slipped easily into the role of martyr.

~ Christopher Sykes (of Lady William Russell)

***

Age is deformed, youth unkind,

We scorn their bodies, they our mind.

~ Thomas Bastard, 'Chrestoleros'

***

Listen! Say less rather than more. If you want to be smart, play stupid!

~ Helena Rubenstein

***

Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit.

Alice Roosevelt Longworth

***

The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit. Try, if you can, to belong to the first class. There's less competition.

~ Dwight Morrow

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Please don't talk while I am interrupting.

~ Todd Rockefeller

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Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.

~ Billy Wilder

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One has to resign oneself to being a nuisance if one wants to get anything done.

~ Freya Stark

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I am afraid he has one of those terribly weak natures that are susceptible to influence.

~ Oscar Wilde, 'An Ideal Husband', 1895

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Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

~ Albert Schweitzer

***

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

~ Mark Twain

***

The less one has to do the less time one finds to do it.

~ Anon

***

Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.

~ C Northcote Parkinson, 'Parkinson's Law', 1958

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We have in England a curious belief in first-rate people, meaning all the people we do not know; and this consoles us for the undeniable second-rateness of the people we do know.

~ George Bernard Shaw, 'The Irrational Knot', 1905

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If you have nothing good to say about anyone, come and sit with me.

~ Alice Roosevelt Longworth

***

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.

~ Saki, 'The Square Egg', 1924

***

It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure why take the chance?

~ Ronald Reagan

***

To hear Alice Keppel talk about her escape from France, one would think she had swum the Channel, with her maid between her teeth.

~ Mrs Ronnie Greville

***

The ability of dandelions to tell the time is somewhat exaggerated, owing to the fact that there is always one seed that refuses to be blown off; the time usually turns out to be 37 o'clock.

~ Miles Kington, 'Nature Made Ridiculously Simple', 1983

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Long experience has told me that to be criticized is not always to be wrong.

~ Anthony Eden

***

We joke because we don't know.

~ Anon

***

Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.

~ Gittel Hudnick

***

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