Definitions
♠ ©winnie caw
2002
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A
Advertising
The rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
~ George Orwell
Alcoholic
A man you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
~ Dylan Thomas
Autobiography
An obituary in serial form with the last chapter missing.
~ Quentin Crisp
***
B
Baby
A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
~ Ronald Knox
Book
What they make a movie out of for television.
~ Leonard Louis Levinson
Bore
A bore is one who has the power of speech but not the capacity for conversation.
~ Benjamin Disraeli (attrib.)
***
C
Censor
A man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.
~ Laurence Peter
Cocktail party
A device for paying of obligations to people you don't want to invite to dinner.
~ Charles Merrill Smith, 'Instant Status', 1972
Contraceptives
What Protestants use on all conceivable occasions.
~ Anon
Cynic
A man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
~ H L Mencken
***
Diplomacy
The art of letting somebody else have your way.
~ David Frost
***
E
Editor
One who sorts the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
~ Adlai Stevenson
Education
The path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.
~ Mark Twain
Egotist
A person more interested in himself than in me.
~ Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary', 1911
Epitaph
An inscription which hopes that virtues acquired by death will have a retroactive effect.
~ Ambrose Bierce
Experimental psychologist
A scientist who pulls habits out of rats.
~ Leonard Louis Levinson
***
F
Future
That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
~ Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary' 1911
***
G
Gambling
The sure way of getting nothing for something.
~ Wilson Mizner
Gossip
Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
~ Earl Wilson
***
H
Honeymoon
The morning after the knot before.
~ Anon
***
I
Insider Trading
Stealing too fast
~ Calvin Trillin
***
J
Journalism
A profession whose business it is to explain to others what it personally does not understand.
~ Lord Northcliffe
***
K
Kleptomaniac
A person who helps himself because he can't help himself.
~ Henry Morgan
***
M
Modesty
The gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.
~ Edgar Watson Howe,
'Ventures in Common Sense', 1919
***
N
Noise
A stench in the ear. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization.
~ Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary', 1911
***
O
Opportunity
A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
~ Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary', 1911
***
P
Peace
Co-existence or no existence.
~ Bertrand Russell
Philosophy
Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
~ Henry Adams
Preposition
An enormously versatile part of grammar, as in "What made you pick this book I didn't want to be read to out of for?"
~ Winston Churchill
***
R
Revolution
An abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
~ Ambrose Bierce
***
S
Scotsman
A man who, before sending his pyjamas to the laundry, stuffs a sock in each pocket.
~ Ambrose Bierce
Secret
What we tell everybody to tell nobody.
~ Ambrose Bierce
Slander
To lie, or tell the truth, about someone.
~ Ambrose Bierce
Success
Success is getting what you want, and happiness is wanting what you get.
~ Dave Gardner
***
T
Technology
The knack of so arranging the world that we need not experience it.
~ Max Frisch, 'Homo Faber', 1957
Theology
The effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing.
~ H L Mencken
*****
MORE DEFINITIONS:
Baloney- Where some hemlines fall. (Geoff Tibballs)
Pecan: A bedpan (Stan Kegel)
Castration: They only let you throw your line out so many times (David Reihmer)
Laughing Stock: Cattle with a sense of humor. (Lederer & Ertner)
Propose: Stance taken by a model during a photo shoot. (Stan Kegel)
Furlong: Desire for a mink coat. (Lederer & Ertner)
Gossip: Someone with a great sense of rumor. (Cryptograms)
Racquet: what the loser does in pool. (J. A. Mc.)
Archaeologist- Someone whose career is in ruins. (Geoff Tibballs)
Gatorade : What an alligator gets on welfare. (Lederer & Ertner)
Lieutenant: One who rents by bathrooms (David Reihmer)
Paltry: Attempt to make a friend (Stan Kegel)
Carbuncle: My dad's brother, who eats lots of fruits and fiber (Belinda
M. Paschal)
Constipation- To have and-to hold. (Geoff Tibballs)/12princesses.html
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