Computer quotations ♠♣ ©winnie caw 2002
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Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them in the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

~ Jeff Raskin

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Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things that it makes easier to do don't need to be done.

~ Andy Rooney

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If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

~ Robert Cringely

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Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.

~ Rich Cook

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Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.

~ Unknown

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Looking at the proliferation of personal web pages on the net, it looks like very soon everyone on earth will have 15 Megabytes of fame.  

~ M.G. Siriam

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The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of whether submarines can swim.  

~ Edsger W. Dijkstra

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Computers have lots of memory but no imagination.  

~  Unknown

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The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers.  

~ Sydney J. Harris

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If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.  

~ Unknown

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My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them.  

~ Penn Jillett

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Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse at are called software.  

~ Unknown

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The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.  

~ Eric Porterfield

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Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. 

 ~ Doug Larson

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The problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back.  

~ Unknown

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Hardware:  the parts of a computer that can be kicked.  

~ Jeff Pesis

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If it draws blood, it's hardware.  

~ Unknown

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I haven't lost my mind; I have a tape back-up somewhere. 

 ~  Unknown

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Back up my hard drive?  How do I put it in reverse?  

~  Unknown

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There are three kinds of death in this world.  There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network.  

~ Guy Almes

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RAM disk is not an installation procedure.  

~  Unknown

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The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8m/sec/sec.  

~ Marcus Dolengo

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Treat your password like your toothbrush.  Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months.  

~ Clifford Stoll

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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.  

~  Unknown

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If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever to get a 'fix' of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.  

~ Rob Stampfli

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The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.  

~  Unknown

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Don't anthropomorphize computers - they hate it.  

~  Unknown

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It's not computer literacy that we should be working on, but sort of human-literacy.  Computers have to become human-literate.  

~ Nicholas P. Negroponte

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The Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life.  

~ Andrew Brown

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There is a computer disease that anybody who works with computers knows about.  It's a very serious disease and it interferes completely with the work.  The trouble with computers is that you 'play' with them!  

~ Richard P. Feynman

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In God we trust, all others we virus scan.  

~  Unknown

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There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer.  

~ J.H. Goldfuss

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Programming is like sex.  One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.  

~ Michael Sinz

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It's not a bug - it's an undocumented feature.  

~  Unknown

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If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committees.  That'll do them in.  

~  Unknown

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I just wish my mouth had a backspace key.  

~ Unknown

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Version 1 of any software is full of bugs.  Version 2 fixes all the bugs and is great.  Version 3 adds all the things users ask for, but hides all the great stuff in Version 2.  

~ Fred Blechman

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The Internet is the world's largest library.  It's just that all the books are on the floor.  

~John Allen Paulos

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Programmer - an organism that turns coffee into software.  

~ Unknown

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But they are useless.  They can only give you answers.  

~ Pablo Picasso, about computers

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Don't explain computers to laymen.  Simpler to explain sex to a virgin.  

~ Robert A. Heinlein

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User, n.  The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."  

~ Dave Barry

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After growing wildly for years, the field of computing appears to be reaching its infancy.  

~ John Pierce

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Writing the first 90 percent of a computer program takes 90 percent of the time.  The remaining ten percent also takes 90 percent of the time and the final touches also take 90 percent of the time.  

~ N.J. Rubenking

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There are two major products that came out of Berkeley:  LSD and UNIX.  We do not believe this to be a coincidence.  

~ Jeremy S. Anderson

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Few companies that installed computers to reduce the employment of clerks have realized their expectations.... They now need more, and more expensive clerks even though they call them 'operators' or 'programmers.'  

~ Peter F. Drucker

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A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.  

~ Mitch Ratcliffe

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Is your computer "male" or "female"? 
- You decide!

As you are aware, ships have long been characterised as being female, as in "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!" Recently, a group of computer scientists (all male) announced that computers should be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion are as follows: Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1.. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic;


2.. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;


3.. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you";


4.. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval;


5.. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

*

HOWEVER, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as male. Their reasons are as follows:

a.. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless;


b.. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;


c.. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model;


d.. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;


e.. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the day;

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Japanese Haiku Help:

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Your file was so big.
It must have been quite useful.
But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. All is blank.

First snow, then silence
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

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