Children Quotations ♠
©winnie caw 2002
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...but first, please reconsider House Rules

St Catherine s House of Hope St Catherines, Kisumu, Kenya

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

~ Clarence Darrow

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If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract, teach him to deduct.

~ Fran Lebowitz, 'Social Studies', 1981

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Where does the family start? It starts with a young man falling in love with a girl - no superior alternative has yet been found.

~ Winston Churchill (attrib.)

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If parents would only realize how they bore their children.

~ George Bernard Shaw, 'Everybody's Political What's What's', 1944

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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

~ Erma Bombeck

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If you have a child who is seven feet tall, you don't cut off his head or his legs. You buy him a bigger bed and hope he plays basketball.

~ Robert Altman

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Every luxury was lavished on you - atheism, breastfeeding, circumcision.

~ Joe Orton, 'Loot', 1967

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My parents were very pleased that I was in the army. The fact that I hated it somehow pleased them even more.

~ Barry Humphries, 'More Please', 1992

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Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

~ Fran Lebowitz, 'Social Studies', 1981

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Children and zip fasteners do not respond to force...Except occasionally.

~ Katherine Whitehorn, 'Observations', 1970

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A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off the tables by their cords, or wake Mommy before noon.

~ Joan Rivers

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I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my desk.

~ Robert Bloch

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Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later on in life.

~ Robert Byrne

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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

~ Phyllis Diller

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The hardest people to convince they are at retirement age are children at bedtime.

~ Shannon Fife

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Pretty much all the honest truth telling in the world is done by children.

~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

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It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

~ Erma Bombeck

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Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it.

~ Harold Hubert

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The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.

~ Mel Lazarus

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Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

~ Fran Lebowitz

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Too often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve.

~ Roger Lewin

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Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

~ P J O'Rourke

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The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of their tyres.

~ Dorothy Parker

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You know children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers.

~ John Plomp

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Some of my best friends are children. In fact, all of my best friends are children.

~ J D Salinger

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I love my kids, but I would not want any of them for friends.

~ Janet Sorensen

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A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.

~ Bill Vaughan

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Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now, I have six children and no theories.

~ John Wilmot

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You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back.  

~ William D. Tammeus

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Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.  

~ Elizabeth Stone

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Always kiss your children goodnight - even if they're already asleep.  

~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

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Parenthood:  That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage.  

~ Marcelene Cox

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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.  

~ Phyllis Diller

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To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while.  

~ Josh Billings

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Your children need your presence more than your presents.  

~ Jesse Jackson

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It's not only children who grow.  Parents do too.  As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.  I can't tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it, myself.  

~ Joyce Maynard

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Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.  

~ Robert Fulghum

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Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have anything to do with it.  

~ Haim Ginott

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If you have never been hated by your child you have never been a parent.  

~ Bette Davis

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Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it faster, too.  

~ Lionel Kauffman

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Most of us become parents long before we have stopped being children.  

~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

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If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.  

~ Abigail Van Buren

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The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.  

~ Lane Olinghouse

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Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.  

~ Robert A. Heinlein

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Too often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve.  

~ Roger Lewin

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Simply having children does not make mothers.  

~ John A. Shedd

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Although there are many trial marriages... there is no such thing as a trial child. 

~ Gail Sheehy

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Children have more need of models than of critics.  

~ Carolyn Coats, Things Your Dad Always Told You But You Didn't Want to Hear

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The beauty of "spacing" children many years apart lies in the fact that parents have time to learn the mistakes that were made with the older ones - which permits them to make exactly the opposite mistakes with the younger ones.  

~ Sydney J. Harris

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There are two lasting bequests we can give our children.  One is roots.  The other is wings.  

~ Hodding Carter, Jr.

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Your children tell you casually years later what it would have killed you with worry to know at the time.  

~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

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Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children.  

~ Marilyn Penland

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Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.

~ Ogden Nash, "The Parent," Happy Days, 1933

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Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.  

~ Charles R. Swindoll, The Strong Family

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You will always be your child's favorite toy.  

~ Vicki Lansky, Trouble-Free Travel with Children, 1991

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What a child doesn't receive he can seldom later give.  

~ P.D. James, Time to Be in Earnest

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If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others.  

~ Haim Ginott

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Give me the life of the boy whose mother is nurse, seamstress, washerwoman, cook, teacher, angel, and saint, all in one, and whose father is guide, exemplar, and friend.  No servants to come between.  These are the boys who are born to the best fortune.  

~ Andrew Carnegie

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Now the thing about having a baby - and I can't be the first person to have noticed this - is that thereafter you have it.  

~ Jean Kerr

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There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.  

~ Chinese Proverb

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There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have charge of children, but there can be no doubt that parents are the worst.  

~ George Bernard Shaw

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A parent who has never apologized to his children is a monster.  If he's always apologizing, his children are monsters.  

~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

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The guys who fear becoming fathers don't understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man.  The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent.  

~ Frank Pittman, Man Enough

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Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income.  

~ Dave Barry

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The hardest part of raising a child is teaching them to ride bicycles.  A shaky child on a bicycle for the first time needs both support and freedom.  The realization that this is what the child will always need can hit hard.  

~ Sloan Wilson

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Good, honest, hardheaded character is a function of the home.  If the proper seed is sown there and properly nourished for a few years, it will not be easy for that plant to be uprooted.  

~ George A. Dorsey

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Hot dogs always seem better out than at home; so do French-fried potatoes; so do your children.  

~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

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Likely as not, the child you can do the least with will do the most to make you proud.  

~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

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The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents.  

~ John J. Plomp

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Raising children is like making biscuits:  it is as easy to raise a big batch as one, while you have your hands in the dough.  

~ E.W. Howe

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A young lady is a female child who has just done something dreadful.  

~ Judith Martin

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Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.  

~ Unknown

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The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.  

~ Mell Lazarus

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No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids.  

~ Bill Cosby, Fatherhood, 1986

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The ideal home:  big enough for you to hear the children, but not very well.  

~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

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When you teach your son, you teach your son's son.  

~ The Talmud

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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell, the name will carry.  

~ Bill Cosby

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Instant availability without continuous presence is probably the best role a mother can play.  

~ Lotte Bailyn

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A child enters your home and for the next twenty years makes so much noise you can hardly stand it.  The child departs, leaving the house so silent you think you are going mad.  

~ John Andrew Holmes

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Setting a good example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age.  

~ William Feather, The Business of Life, 1949

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Parents are not interested in justice; they are interested in quiet.  

~ Bill Cosby

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Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine.  You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion-picture star.  If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success.  

~ Fran Lebowitz, "Parental Guidance," Social Studies, 1981

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A child, like your stomach, doesn't need all you can afford to give it.  

~ Frank A. Clark

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Your children vividly remember every unkind thing you ever did to them, plus a few you really didn't.  

~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

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These are my daughters, I suppose.
But where in the world did the children vanish?

~ Phyllis McGinley, "Ballad of Lost Objects," 1954

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The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed.  

~ Unknown

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If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says "keep away from children."  

~ Susan Savannah

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They fuck you up your mum and dad
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
and add some extra, just for you.

~ Philip Larkin, "This Be The Verse," High Windows, 1974

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What's done to children, they will do to society.  

~ Karl Menninger

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If you must hold yourself up to your children as an object lesson, hold yourself up as a warning and not as an example.  

~ George Bernard Shaw

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You have a lifetime to work, but children are only young once.  

~ Polish Proverb

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Late children are early orphans.

~ Unknown

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