Baby Quotations ♠
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©winnie caw 2002

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...but first, please reconsider House Rules

St Catherine s House of Hope St Catherines, Kisumu, Kenya

Father asked us what was God's noblest work. Anna said men, but I said babies. Men are often bad, but babies never are.

~ Louisa May Alcott


Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.

~ Ambrose Bierce


Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

~ Carol Burnett


Families with babies and families without are so sorry for each other.

~ Ed Howe


No animal is so inexhaustible as an excited infant.

~ Amy Leslie


My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

~ Joan Rivers


Why is it that people rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the people involved.

~ Mark Twain


If men bore children, there would only be one born in each family.

~ Unknown


A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase.

~ Unknown


...and before babies, there's this:

If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.  

~ Lawrence Housman

If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.  

~ Nora Ephron, Heartburn, 1983

I realize why women die in childbirth - it's preferable.  

~ Sherry Glaser

A period is just the beginning of a lifelong sentence.  

~ Cathy Crimmins

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.  

~ Rita Rudner

Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.  

~ Joyce Armor

There are three reasons for breast-feeding:  the milk is always at the right temperature; it comes in attractive containers; and the cat can't get it.  

~ Irena Chalmers

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.  

~ Dave Barry, "Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn"

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child.  She must be found and stopped.  

~ Sam Levenson

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.  

~ Phyllis Diller


Bribery works.

*It's perfectly OK to have a glass of wine at 5.30pm.

*Before children, luxury is a day at a spa. Afterwards
it's having a bowel movement without someone shouting
at you through the door.

*Baby wipes clean everything. So you can throw all
your other cleaning products away - there's no need
for them any more.

*It is possible for a one-year-old to get stuck in a
cat flap, and if he does, it will be a toss-up whether
you free him or run for the camera.

*You can tell your child's height by looking at the
snot marks on your jeans.

*If there's a hole, they will put something into it.

*A small child weighing no more than two stone takes
up at least two-thirds of a king-size double bed.

*The male incapacity to keep hands and willy apart
starts at a distressingly young age

*There's no one like a young child for letting your
friends know what you really think of them.

*Children don't actually die if they eat cat food ..
it may even give them shinier hair and stronger teeth.

*Babies are just as happy with the box something came
in as they would be with any toy you could buy them.
Consequently, second children mostly own boxes that
boring things came in.

*Just when you have managed to move everything out of
their reach, they will learn to get a chair to make
themselves taller.

*Opening a new box of nappy sacks to discover that
they are a different colour to the normal ones (and
subconsciously debating which you prefer) can be the
highlight of your day.

*You will stare at other parents' buggies to check out
whether they are better than yours even though you
know it is a sad thing to do.

*No matter how squeamish you are, you will, at some
point, cup your hands to catch their sick.

*You will prod your sleeping baby just to check
they're still alive.

*Or you'll be too scared to go into their room at
night in case they are dead.

*You will regularly shout, Stop shouting! at the top
of your voice.

*Whatever your intentions, you will end up sounding
just like your mother.

*If you drop the baby, it's an accident; but if your
partner puts her down a touch too hard, it's grounds
for full-scale war.

*You will find that [your partner's] need for sleep is
always greater than yours.

*It doesn't make you a bad parent if you draw a
moustache on the baby for a laugh, but it's best not
to do it with indelible marker the day before an
appointment with the health visitor.

*If you make home seem really boring, they will be
much more willing to go to school.

*You must accept that once your child can talk, they
will from then on know more than you and you will
become more stupid in proportion to their increasing

*Other people's babies - the ones who sleep through
the night from two weeks, and behave immaculately in
later months - are cobbled together in a laboratory

*If you feel there is any chance of the cuddly toy you
are about to purchase being THE ONE, buy two and save
yourself a lot of trauma later.

*Never wake a sleeping baby - unless it's got

*At the supermarket, put everything they nag you for
in your trolley, then, when they aren't looking, take
it all out and scatter it in the aisles.

*When your small baby hasn't had a poo for two days,
you should dress it in a babygrow with feet attached.

*Get a cordless phone that allows you to walk about
the house while you talk. That way you can wipe
bottoms, sort out fights and even do the ironing while
you chat to friends. Alternatively, you could tie a
phone to your head with a pair of tights.

Mums please note:



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