caw 2002 Home
...but first, please reconsider House Rules
St Catherine s House of Hope St Catherines, Kisumu, Kenya
asked us what was God's noblest work. Anna said men, but I said babies.
Men are often bad, but babies never are.
~ Louisa May Alcott
Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.
~ Ambrose Bierce
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
~ Carol Burnett
Families with babies and families without are so sorry for each other.
~ Ed Howe
No animal is so inexhaustible as an excited infant.
~ Amy Leslie
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
~ Joan Rivers
Why is it that people rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the people involved.
~ Mark Twain
If men bore children, there would only be one born in each family.
A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase.
...and before babies, there's this:
If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.
If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
Ephron, Heartburn, 1983
I realize why women die in childbirth - it's preferable.
A period is just the beginning of a lifelong sentence.
Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.
There are three reasons for breast-feeding: the milk is always at the right temperature; it comes in attractive containers; and the cat can't get it.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
Barry, "Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn"
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
~ Phyllis Diller
*It's perfectly OK to have a glass of wine at 5.30pm.
*Before children, luxury is a day at a spa. Afterwards
it's having a bowel movement without someone shouting
at you through the door.
*Baby wipes clean everything. So you can throw all
your other cleaning products away - there's no need
for them any more.
*It is possible for a one-year-old to get stuck in a
cat flap, and if he does, it will be a toss-up whether
you free him or run for the camera.
*You can tell your child's height by looking at the
snot marks on your jeans.
*If there's a hole, they will put something into it.
*A small child weighing no more than two stone takes
up at least two-thirds of a king-size double bed.
*The male incapacity to keep hands and willy apart
starts at a distressingly young age
*There's no one like a young child for letting your
friends know what you really think of them.
*Children don't actually die if they eat cat food ..
it may even give them shinier hair and stronger teeth.
*Babies are just as happy with the box something came
in as they would be with any toy you could buy them.
Consequently, second children mostly own boxes that
boring things came in.
*Just when you have managed to move everything out of
their reach, they will learn to get a chair to make
*Opening a new box of nappy sacks to discover that
they are a different colour to the normal ones (and
subconsciously debating which you prefer) can be the
highlight of your day.
*You will stare at other parents' buggies to check out
whether they are better than yours even though you
know it is a sad thing to do.
*No matter how squeamish you are, you will, at some
point, cup your hands to catch their sick.
*You will prod your sleeping baby just to check
they're still alive.
*Or you'll be too scared to go into their room at
night in case they are dead.
*You will regularly shout, Stop shouting! at the top
of your voice.
*Whatever your intentions, you will end up sounding
just like your mother.
*If you drop the baby, it's an accident; but if your
partner puts her down a touch too hard, it's grounds
for full-scale war.
*You will find that [your partner's] need for sleep is
always greater than yours.
*It doesn't make you a bad parent if you draw a
moustache on the baby for a laugh, but it's best not
to do it with indelible marker the day before an
appointment with the health visitor.
*If you make home seem really boring, they will be
much more willing to go to school.
*You must accept that once your child can talk, they
will from then on know more than you and you will
become more stupid in proportion to their increasing
*Other people's babies - the ones who sleep through
the night from two weeks, and behave immaculately in
later months - are cobbled together in a laboratory
*If you feel there is any chance of the cuddly toy you
are about to purchase being THE ONE, buy two and save
yourself a lot of trauma later.
*Never wake a sleeping baby - unless it's got
*At the supermarket, put everything they nag you for
in your trolley, then, when they aren't looking, take
it all out and scatter it in the aisles.
*When your small baby hasn't had a poo for two days,
you should dress it in a babygrow with feet attached.
*Get a cordless phone that allows you to walk about
the house while you talk. That way you can wipe
bottoms, sort out fights and even do the ironing while
you chat to friends. Alternatively, you could tie a
phone to your head with a pair of tights.
Mums please note:
The weight and smell of a disposable diaper is a better clue to how wet it is than its feel.
If baby is wearing a sleeper or coveralls, unsnap and tuck the bottom half of the garment behind her back during the change.
To minimize sock turnover, take off socks before removing a poopy diaper.
If you can hear or feel the baby pooping, give her plenty of time to finish to avoid further eruptions during the diaper change.
Have wipes, a fresh diaper and a change of clothes out and within reach before opening a dirty diaper.
When wiping a poopy baby, firmly hold her ankles in one hand, her wrists in another, and wipe with your remaining hand.
Lotion, oil, or even that icky diaper rash ointment on your hands can render the diaper's sticking tabs useless. Wipe your hands before touching the fasteners.
Put a cloth diaper between baby and the diaper pad to minimize washings of the diaper pad.
Practice tearing a baby wipe into pieces with one hand.
Place a baby mobile over the
diapering table to reduce fidgeting.
Dads please note:
Mothers prefer diapers with Disney cartoon characters over those featuring Beavis & Butthead or Itchy & Scratchy.
A clean disposable diaper makes a great snow bonnet.
The Ride of the Valkyries at high volume can soothe a crying baby during a diaper change.
Diapers don't do well in a compost heap, not even if you run them through the mulcher first.
Check every trash can in the house daily for dirty diapers, especially the one in your study.
If you're ever tempted to swear during a 4:00 a.m. diaper change, turn off the baby monitor first.
For a John Cage diapering experience, fire up Brahms' Lullaby on every music box, plush toy and baby mobile you've got.
By the time you think to check it, you needn't bother -- the diaper is always wet.
Don't expect to ever look at peanut butter the same way again.
Beware the dreaded Fountain of Youth.
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