Anonymous Quotations ♠ ©winnie caw 2002
(follow the arrows below for more of winnie caw's whimsy, or click on a link)


(with links [underlined] to some of my quotations pages)

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A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

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I trust you completely, but please send cash.

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Don't get annoyed if your neighbour plays his hi-fi at two o'clock in the morning. Call him at four and tell him how much you enjoyed it.

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Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

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Vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.

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Conscience: the thing that feels bad when everything else is feeling good.

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A folk-singer is someone who sings through his nose by ear.

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You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely broke.

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Pas de deux: father of twins. Coup de grace: lawnmower.

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God gives nuts to those who have no teeth.

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He never failed to seek a peaceful solution to a problem when all other possibilities had failed.

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They live in a beautiful little apartment overlooking the rent.

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All men are of the same mould but some are mouldier than others.

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You should make a point of trying every experience once, except incest and folk-dancing.

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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

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Love may be blind, but jealousy sees too much.

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Modesty is the art of encouraging people to find out for themselves how wonderful you are.

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A sadist is someone who refuses to be mean to a masochist.

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An Irishman is the only man in the world who will step over the bodies of a dozen naked women to get to a bottle of stout.

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Memory and teeth grow weaker with time.

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The wicked do well in this world, and saints do well in the next.

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It is better to have an ugly wife for one's self than a beautiful wife for others.

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I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

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Bigotry is being certain of something you know nothing about.

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Coitus Interruptus: copulation without population.

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The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

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Of course a platonic relationship is possible, but only between husband and wife.

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Faith can move mountains, but not furniture.

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Middle age is when we can do just as much as ever - but would rather not.

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Many know how to flatter but few know how to praise.

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When wine goes in, secrets come out.

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He's a man who was never lost for a few appropriated words.

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A conservative is someone who admires radicals a century after they're dead.

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She frowned and called him Mr
Because in sport he kr
And so in spite
That very nite
This Mr kr sr.

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No matter what happens, there is someone who knew it would.

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[anonymous critic of the film 'I am a Camera']:

Me no Leica.

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Success is just a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

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Women tell everybody not to tell anybody.

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An after-dinner speech should be just like a lady's dress: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to be interesting.

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My mother made me a homosexual.

If I send her the wool will she make me one?

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Life is a hereditary disease.

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Alas, poor yorlik, I knew him backwards.

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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Puerto Rican name?

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John Wayne is dead.

The hell I am!

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Don't open a shop unless you like to smile.

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There's no problem so big or complicated that it can't be run away from.

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Two in every one people in this country are schizophrenic.

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In a 'Mens' public lavatory: I love grils.

The last word was then crossed out and corrected to 'girls', after which someone had added:

What's wrong with us grils?

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Alcohol Quotations

I must have a drink by eleven, it's a deed that must be done. If I can't have a drink by eleven, I must have eleven by one.

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I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.

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It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

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Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?

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Alcohol preserves everything except secrets.

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Anger Quotations

Sticks and stones may break your bones when there's anger to impart. Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart.

~ Unknown

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Anger is as a stone cast into a wasp's nest.

~ Unknown

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Argument Quotations

An argument is like a country road; you never know where it is going to lead.

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Art Quotations

Trying to understand modern art is like trying to follow the plot in a bowl of alphabet soup.

~ Anon

It is gratification to me to know that I am ignorant of art.

~ Anon

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Baby Quotations

 

If men bore children, there would only be one born in each family.

~ Unknown

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A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase.

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Books and the Written Word

There is no robber worse than a bad book.

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Cat Quotations

Cat memory is a funny thing. We have a roll-over cat. It's the one we send whenever anybody needs a cat to roll over. It's a smart cat and knows other tricks. But whenever it gets stressed out on the set it just keep rolling over.
~ Anonymous Hollywood Animal Trainer

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
~ Anonymous

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
~ Unknown

Here's a thought: Does the Cheshire cats drink evaporated milk?
~ Unknown

The cat was created when the lion sneezed.
~ Arab Myth

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Children Quotations

Late children are early orphans.

~ Unknown

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Computer Quotations

Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.

~ Unknown

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Definitions

Contraceptives

What Protestants use on all conceivable occasions.

~ Anon

Honeymoon

The morning after the knot before.

~ Anon

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Death Quotations

How fascinating is death, the extinction of life. One moment here and the next gone. The light put out and only the empty bag of the body left.

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Divorce Quotations

Even hooligans marry, though they know that marriage is but for a little while. It is alimony that is forever.

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Dog Quotations

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

~ Unknown

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A piece of grass a day keeps the vet away.

~ Unknown

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When a dog wags her tail and barks at the same time, how do you know which end to believe?

~ Unknown

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Recipe; a series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.

~ Unknown

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Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog.

~ Unknown

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Insanity Quotations

 

I just want to know how people with multiple personalities fill out their census papers.

~ Unknown

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If you start on fire should you stop, drop and roll, or run around a bit and freak out the annoying neighbours who always yell at you for starting fires in the backyard?

~ Unknown

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In the old days, crazy meant something; nowadays, everyone is crazy.

~ Unknown

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All you need to start an insane asylum is an empty room and the right type of people.

~ Unknown

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Even if the voices are not real, they have some good ideas.

~ Unknown

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Love Quotations

 

No one in love is free, or wants to be.

~ Unknown

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The heart that loves is always young.

~ Unknown

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He who tries to forget a woman, never loved her.

~ Unknown

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The cat and the love you give away always come back to you.

~ Unknown

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A woman who pretends to laugh at love is like a child who sings at night when he is afraid.

~ Unknown

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The secret of love is seeking variety in your life together, and never letting routine chores dull the melody of your romance.

~ Unknown

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Luck and Fortune

 

We joke because we don't know.

~ Anon

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Marriage Quotations

 

Marriage is like a box of chocolates. You have to squeeze a few bottoms to make sure what you are getting.

~ Unknown

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A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really knows what goes into it.

~ Unknown

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Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

~ Unknown

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Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.

~ Unknown

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Is it better for a woman to marry a man who loves her than a man she loves?

~ Unknown

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A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple.

~ Unknown

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Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

~ Unknown

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Men

 

If all men told the truth, the tears of the women would create another flood.

~ Unknown

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Ashes to ashes, dust to dust; if it were not for women, our peckers would rust.

~ Unknown

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Women like quiet men because they think they are listening.

~ Unknown

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Sex Quotations

 

Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last.

~ Unknown

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Bed is the poor man's opera.

~ Unknown

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If sex is so personal, why do we have to share it with someone?

~ Unknown

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Travel

[a venetian's response to being asked why he did not travel]

Why should I travel when I am already here?
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