ALCOHOL QUOTATIONS ♠ ©winnie caw 2002
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No animal ever invented anything so bad as drunkenness - or so good as drink.

~ Lord Chesterton

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The secret of drunkenness is that it insulates us in thought, whilst it unites us in feeling.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson.

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Drunkenness is not a mere matter of intoxicating liquors; it goes deeper, far deeper. Drunkenness is the failure of a man to control his thoughts.

~ David Grayson

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Wine makes a man better pleased with himself; I do not say that it makes him more pleasing to others.

~ Samuel Johnson

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I drink to make other people more interesting

~ George Jean Nathan

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Drunkenness is temporary suicide; the happiness that it brings is merely negative, a momentary cessation of unhappiness

~ Bertrand Russell

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An alcoholic is someone who you do not like who drinks as much as you.

~ Dylan Thomas

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Drink moderately, for drunkenness neither keeps a secret, nor observes a promise.

~ Miguel De Cervantes

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I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no occasion.

~ Miguel De Cervantes

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I have taken more good from alcohol than alcohol has taken from me.

~ Winston Churchill

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A woman drove me to drink and I never had the courtesy to thank her.

~ W C Fields

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Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had nothing to live on but food and water.

~ W C Fields

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Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol?

~ W C Fields

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There is a devil in every berry of the grape.

~ The Koran

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Prohibition makes you want to cry in your beer, and denies you the beer to cry into.

~ Don Marquis

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Better sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian.

~ Herman Melville

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Drunkenness does not create vice; it merely brings it into view.

~ Seneca

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Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness.

~ Seneca

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A drunkard is like a whiskey-bottle, all neck and belly and no head.

~ Unknown

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With wine comes truth.

~ Unknown

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When there are a lot of drunk people about to drive home, drive as fast as you can. It is a lot harder for drunk people to hit you that way.

~ Unknown

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Cider, I will not sip, It shall not pass my lip, Because it has made drunkards by the score. The Apples I will eat, But cider, hard or sweet, I will not touch, or taste, or handle more.

~ A Child's Vow (19th Century Temperance Poem).

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The story goes that I first had the idea for The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy while lying drunk in a field in Innsbruck.

~ Douglas Adams

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If I had to choose between putting a saloon or a liberal church on a corner, I'd choose the saloon every time. People who drink up the pay check in the saloon are less likely to become Pharisees, thinking that they don't need the Great Physician, than those who weekly swill the soporific doctrine of man's goodness.

~ Jay Adams

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The first draught serveth for health, the second for pleasure, the third for shame, and the fourth for madness.

~ Anacharsis

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He is not drunk, who from the floor

Can rise again and drink some more;

But he is drunk who prostrate lies,

And cannot drink, and cannot rise.

~ Unknown

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Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.

~ Unknown

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Sorrow can be alleviated by good sleep, a bath and a glass of wine.

~ Thomas Aquinas

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Quickly, bring me a beaker of wine, so that I may wet my mind and say something clever.

~ Aristophanes

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One reason why I don't drink is because I wish to know when I am having a good time.

~ Nancy Astor

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Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

From 'The Taming of the Screw' by Dave Barry,

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Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that its compounding a felony.

~ Robert Benchley

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Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

~ Ambrose Bierce

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Brandy: n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time. Brandy is said by Dr, Johnson to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero will venture to drink it.

~ Ambrose Bierce

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Rum: n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers

~ Ambrose Bierce

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A good writer is not necessarily a good book critic. No more so than a good drunk is automatically a good bartender.

~ Jim Bishop

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The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

~ Humphrey Bogart

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The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism.

~ Norman Brenner

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If the headache would only precede the intoxication, alcoholism would be a virtue.

~ Samuel Butler

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The Americans are a funny lot; they drink whiskey to keep them warm; then they put some ice in it to keep it cool; they put some sugar in it to make it sweet; and then they put a slice of lemon in it to make it sour. Then they say "here's to you" and drink it themselves.

~ B. N. Chakravaty

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Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you just take the girl's clothes off.

~ Raymond Chandler, The Long Goodbye (1953)

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Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.

~ Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.

~ Winston Churchill to Mary Astor

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I must point out that my rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after, and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.

~ Winston Churchill

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Art is wine and experience is the brandy we distill from it.

~ Robertson Davies

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If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.

~ Thomas De Quincey

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Then trust me, there's nothing like drinking

So pleasant on this side of the grave;


It keeps the unhappy from thinking,

And makes e'en the valiant more brave.

~ Chas. Didbin (1745-1814).

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The horse and mule live thirty years
And never know of wine and beers.
The goat and sheep at twenty die
Without a taste of scotch or rye.
The cow drinks water by the ton
And at eighteen is mostly done.
The dog at fifteen cashes in
Without the aid of rum or gin.
The modest, sober, bone-dry hen
Lays eggs for noggs and dies at ten.
But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men
Survive three-score years and ten.
And some of us, though mighty few
Stay pickled 'til we're ninety-two.
~ Charles Duffy
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Wine is as good as life to a man, if it be drunk moderately. What is life then to a man who is without wine? For it was made to make men glad.

~ Ecclesiaticus

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A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine, except that on a day without sunshine you can still get drunk.

~ Lee Entrekin

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The man that isn't jolly after drinking is just a drivelling idiot, to my thinking.

~ Euripides

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It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.

~ William Faulkner

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Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and, furthermore, always carry a small snake.

~ W. C. Fields

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I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

~ W C Fields

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What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

~ W.C.Fields

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My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk; a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

~ W. C. Fields

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A well made Martini or Gibson, correctly chilled and nicely served, has been more often my true friend than any two-legged creature.

~ M.F.K. Fisher (attributed)

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Drink to-day, and drown all sorrow;

You shall perhaps not do it to-morrow.

~ John Fletcher (1576-1625)

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If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.

~ Clement Freud

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I distrust a man who says 'when.' If he's got to be careful not to drink too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does."

~ From 'The Maltese Falcon' by Sidney Greenstreet

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Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

~ Ernest Hemingway

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An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

~ Ernest Hemingway

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Strong drink stupefies a man and makes it possible for him to forget; it gives him an artificial cheeriness, an artificial excitement; and the pleasure of this state is increased by the low level of civilization and the narrow empty life to which these men are confined.

~ Alexander Herzen

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Wine sets even a thoughtful man to singing, or sets him into softly laughing, sets him to dancing. Sometimes it tosses out a word that was better unspoken.

~ From 'The Odyssey (Homer)

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I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk.

~ John Huston

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There's no absolutes in life - only vodka.

~ Mick Jaggar

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Sobriety diminishes, discriminates, and says no; drunkenness expands, unites, and says yes. Not through mere perversity do men run after it.

~ William James, 1902

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Claret is the liquor for boys; port, for men; but he who aspires to be a hero must drink brandy.

~ Samuel Johnson (Boswell: Life of Johnson)

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Melancholy, indeed, should be diverted by every means but drinking.

~ Samuel Johnson (Boswell: Life of Johnson)

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There is nothing which has yet been contrived by man, by which so much happiness is produced as by a good tavern or inn.

~ Samuel Johnson (Boswell: Life of Johnson)

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I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often, but I'm well preserved.

~ Rose Kennedy, (1890-1995)

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When I drank, the part that felt dangerous and needy grew bright and strong and real. The part that coveted love kicked into gear. The yes grew louder than the no.

~ Caroline Knapp

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Neither drink [coffee or tea] was known in Frankish lands, but seated in the coffeehouses, I drank of each at various times, twirling my moustache and listening with attention to that headier draught, the wine of the intellect, that sweet and bitter juice distilled from the vine of thought and the tree of man's experience.

~ Louis L'Amour

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I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.

~ Oscar Levant

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I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.

~ Joe E Lewis

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Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.

~ From 'Time Enough for Love' by Lazarus Long

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Accordingly if the devil should say, 'Do not drink,' you should reply to him, 'On this very account, because you forbid it, I shall drink, and what is more, I shall drink a generous amount. Thus one must always do the opposite of that which Satan prohibits. What do you think is my reason for drinking wine undiluted, talking freely, and eating more often, if it is not to torment and vex the devil who made up his mind to torment and vex me.

~ Martin Luther

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Human reason is like a drunken man on horseback; set it up on one side, and it tumbles over on the other.

~ Martin Luther

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Long quaffing maketh a short lyfe.

~ John Lyly (1554-1606)

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If die I must, let me die drinking in an Inn.

~ Walter Map (c. 1140) Welsh clergyman and writer.

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You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

~ Dean Martin

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If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.

~ Dean Martin

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Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whisky makes it go round twice as fast.

~ From 'Whisky Galore' by Compton Mackenzie (1883-1972)

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No man is genuinely happy, married, who has to drink worse whiskey than he used to drink when he was single.

~ H.L. Mencken

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There are some people who read too much: The bibliobibuli. I know some who are constantly drunk on books, as others are drunk on whiskey or religion. They wander through this most diverting and stimulating of worlds in a haze, seeing nothing and hearing nothing.

~ H. L. Mencken

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Going to the opera, like getting drunk, is a sin that carries its own punishment with it.

~ Hannah More

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'I drink because she nags.' he said. 'I nag because he drinks'. But if the truth be known to you, He's a lush and she's a shrew.

~ Ogden Nash

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I drink to make other people interesting.

~ George Jean Nathan

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Two great European narcotics, alcohol and Christianity.

~ Nietzsche

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Busy, curious, thirsty fly;Drink with me, and drink as I.

~ William Oldys (1696-1761) On a Fly drinking out of a Cup of Ale.

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It reminded him of his Uncle Seamus, the notorious and poetic drunk, who would sit down at the breakfast table the morning after a bender, drain a bottle of stout and say 'Ah, the chill of consciousness returns.'

~ Molly O'Neill

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Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

~ P.J. O'Rourke

*

Giving money and power to the government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

~P J O'Rourke

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If I give up drinking, smoking, and fatty foods, I can add ten years to my life. Trouble is, I'll add it to the wrong end.

~ P.J. O'Rourke

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One more drink and I'd be under the host.

~ Dorothy Parker

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Drink and dance and laugh and lie;

Love, the reeling midnight through;

For tomorrow we shall die!

(But, alas, we never do.)

~ Dorothy Parker

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All excess is ill, but drunkenness is of the worst sort. It spoils health, dismounts the mind, and unmans men. It reveals secrets, is quarrelsome, lascivious, impudent, dangerous and bad.

~ William Penn

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Filled with mingled cream and amber;

I will drain that glass again;

Such hilarious visions clamber;

Through the chamber of my brain;

Quaintest thoughts, queerest fancies;

Come to life and fade away.

What care I how time advances?

I am drinking ale today.

~ Edgar Allan Poe

*

I drink no more than a sponge.

~ Francis Rabelais

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There are three things that are not to be credited: a woman when she weeps, a merchant when he swears, nor a drunkard when he prays.

~ Barnaby Rich

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I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four.

~ From 'The Warrior Lives' by Joel Rosenberg

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Drunkeness is temporary suicide: the happiness that it brings is merely negative, a momentary cessation of unhappiness.

~ Bertrand Russell

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There is no difference between someone who eats too little and sees Heaven and someone who drinks too much and sees snakes.

~ Bertrand Russell

*

 

I have very poor and unhappy brains for drinking.

~ From 'Othello' by William Shakespeare

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The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one.

~ George Bernard Shaw

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Alcohol is a very necessary article.....it enables Parliament to do things at eleven that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning.

~ From 'Major Barbara by George Bernard Shaw

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Here 's to the maiden of bashful fifteen;

Here 's to the widow of fifty;

Here 's to the flaunting, extravagant queen,

And here 's to the housewife that 's thrifty!

Let the toast pass;

Drink to the lass;

I 'll warrant she 'll prove an excuse for the glass.

~ Richard Brinsley Sheridan. 1751-1816

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C'mon, Moe. It's been St. Patrick's day for hours now and I'm not drunk yet!

~ Homer Simpson

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Prohibition? HA! They tried that in the movies and it didn't work.

~ Homer Simpson

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When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

~ Homer Simpson

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Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.

~ Homer Simpson

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If on my theme I rightly think;

There are five reasons why men drink;

Good wine, a friend, because I 'm dry;

Or lest I should be by and by,

Or any other reason why.

~ John Sirmond

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We are in such a slump that even the ones that aren't drinkin' aren't hittin'.

~ Casey Stengel

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I called on Dr. Johnson one morning, when Mrs. Williams, the blind lady, was conversing with him. She was telling him where she had dined the day before. "There were several gentlemen there," said she, "and when some of them came to the tea-table, I found that there had been a good deal of hard drinking." She closed this observation with a common and trite moral reflection; which, indeed, is very ill-founded, and does great injustice to animals -- "I wonder what pleasure men can take in making beasts of themselves." "I wonder, Madam," replied the Doctor, "that you have not penetration to see the strong inducement to this excess; for he who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man."

~ Anecdotes of the Revd. Percival Stockdale; collected in "Johnsonian Miscellanies," edited by G.B. Hill Ballade of Soporific Absorption J.C. Squires

*

If you mean whiskey, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pits of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.
  However, if by whiskey you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.
This is my position, and as always, I refuse to be compromised on matters of principle.

~ Noah S. "Soggy" Sweat, Jr, 1952 "Whiskey Speech"

*

One of the penalties of being president of the United States is that you must subsist for four years without drinking anything except Californian wine.

~ A J P Taylor

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I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

~ Hunter S. Thompson

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Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each.

~ Henry David Thoreau

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I was daily intoxicated, yet no man could call me intemperate.

~ Henry David Thoreau

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A man may acquire a taste for wine or brandy, and so lose his love for water, but should we not pity him.

~ Henry David Thoreau

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There are people who stictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable, and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it. How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole fortune for a cow that has gone dry.

~ Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)

*

At the small tables which were arranged about the room some thirty customers were drinking English beer, porter, gin and brandy; smoking, the while, long red clay pipes stuffed with little balls of opium mingled with essence of rose.... They ordered two bottles of port, to which the Frenchman did ample justice, whilst Fix observed him with close attention.

~ From 'Around The World In 80 Days' by Jules Verne

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Teaching has ruined more American novelists than drink.

~ Gore Vidal

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Don't you know there ain't no devil, it's just god when he's drunk.

~ Tom Waits

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I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

~ Tom Waits

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The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.

~ William Butler Yeats

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I have certainly known more men destroyed by the desire to have a wife and child and to keep them in comfort than I have seen destroyed by drink and harlots.

~ William Butler Yeats (1865-1939)

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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

~ Henny Youngman

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Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

~ Catherine Zandonella

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There's nothing romantic, nothing grand, nothing heroic, nothing brave, nothing like that about drinking. It's a real coward's death.

~ Warren Zevon

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I must have a drink by eleven, it's a deed that must be done. If I can't have a drink by eleven, I must have eleven by one.

~ Unknown

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I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.

~ Unknown

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It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

~ Unknown

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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

~ Unknown

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Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?

~ Unknown

*

 

Alcohol preserves everything except secrets.

Unknown

***

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